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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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This is just a thought experiment, just to see how much time you'll waste thinking about these worthless documents. The correct time is zero seconds.
Listens:
510
Who:
GLaDOS
In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one.
Listens:
686
Who:
GLaDOS
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
4382
Who:
Turret
Was there any sort of announcement before it opened? Like an alarm or a hacker alert? I mean, fair enough, the important thing is it's open, but just mention in the future. Cough or something.
Listens:
591
Who:
Wheatley
At the rate you are completing these tests, I am beginning to think you don't share my excitement for rescuing crying trapped injured dying humans.
Listens:
413
Who:
GLaDOS
You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified.
Listens:
1096
Who:
GLaDOS
We're not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there'll always be a limo waiting for you.
Listens:
1013
Who:
Cave Johnson
HURRY! THIS WAY!
Listens:
357
Who:
Wheatley
Just, ah... pick me up. Take me with you.
Listens:
306
Who:
Wheatley
Please note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it.
Listens:
1064
Who:
Announcer
Whatever he does, it isn't important enough for anyone to bother writing it down. For all I know, he doesn't even work here.
Listens:
527
Who:
GLaDOS
Avoid defective defective turrets as they may still be active.
Listens:
911
Who:
Announcer
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
32196
Who:
GLaDOS
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
804
Who:
Defective Turret
They're not even your screens to break. It's vandalism. It's pure vandalism. You wouldn't do this if this was your house, would you? If I came around to your house smashin' your telly to bits, you'd be furious. And rightly so. Unbelievable.
Listens:
949
Who:
Wheatley
*cough cough* Pressthebutton.
Listens:
7597
Who:
Wheatley
Substitute core accepted.
Listens:
1384
Who:
Announcer
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2207
Who:
Announcer
Let's look at their files...
Listens:
469
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2203
Who:
Defective Turret
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3122
Who:
Core 1
Stubborn.
Listens:
320
Who:
GLaDOS
YEEEHAAAAAW!
Listens:
12428
Who:
Core 1
The Fact Sphere is always right.
Listens:
773
Who:
Core 3
Aggh, see, now I hit that one, I hit that one...
Listens:
317
Who:
Wheatley
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
4134
Who:
Wheatley
Stop failing, you need to find the vault door.
Listens:
374
Who:
GLaDOS
Spinning thing. Hmmm. Not sure.
Listens:
298
Who:
Wheatley
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2096
Who:
Wheatley
That's it. Scan it for me.
Listens:
665
Who:
GLaDOS
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2567
Who:
Core 3
Oh, come on!
Listens:
609
Who:
Defective Turret
After you told me to turn the beam off, I thought I'd lost you. Went poking around for other test subjects. No luck there. Everyone's still all dead.
Listens:
441
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3706
Who:
GLaDOS
A... A... A... A... A... A.
Listens:
564
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still thinking, or... what's happening?
Listens:
305
Who:
Wheatley
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
Listens:
1257
Who:
Wheatley
It's like you're just machines.
Listens:
291
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Space. Go to space.
Listens:
1074
Who:
Core 1
Still. That would have been exciting.
Listens:
305
Who:
GLaDOS
Two. One or two more tremors in there. Just for fun.
Listens:
376
Who:
Wheatley
Oh thank god. You saved my bacon, pal. Where we going? Is this a jailbreak? I can't see a thing.
Listens:
6791
Who:
Defective Turret
The humans accidentally forgot to put a security DVD in the player.
Listens:
362
Who:
GLaDOS
Not done yet. You've still got to get through the door. Need to get through the door there.
Listens:
312
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2780
Who:
Wheatley
Please refrain from doing those childish gestures while you are out there.
Listens:
351
Who:
GLaDOS
Just--do the test! Just do the test.
Listens:
320
Who:
Wheatley
Irritable.
Listens:
298
Who:
GLaDOS
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1443
Who:
Wheatley
Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo.
Listens:
1291
Who:
GLaDOS
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1625
Who:
Core 1
Once testing starts, I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with you to a minimum. Luckily, we haven't started testing yet. This will be our only chance to talk.
Listens:
543
Who:
GLaDOS
You did very well.
Listens:
377
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh come on... If it makes you feel any better, they abandoned you at birth, so I very seriously doubt they'd even want to see you.
Listens:
819
Who:
GLaDOS
For that Orange is penalized fifty science collaboration points.
Listens:
629
Who:
GLaDOS
Done. I guess. I suppose. I wasn't paying attention.
Listens:
445
Who:
GLaDOS
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1963
Who:
Cave Johnson
Volcano-ologists are experts in the study of volcanoes.
Listens:
571
Who:
Core 3
You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right.
Listens:
405
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3633
Who:
GLaDOS
Dispensing product
Listens:
1654
Who:
Turret
Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out. Once you get to my lair, death will not be optional. It will be mandatory. No tricks, no surprises: just you dying, as a result of me killing you in a very very gruesome way.
Listens:
1063
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2769
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
1160
Who:
Turret
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1790
Who:
Caroline
Lady.
Listens:
636
Who:
Core 1
Please wave to your partner.
Listens:
614
Who:
GLaDOS
Progress report: Still pretty tricky!
Listens:
322
Who:
Wheatley
The Fact Sphere is a good sphere, with many friends.
Listens:
815
Who:
Core 3
Shake it off! Shake it off!
Listens:
523
Who:
Core 2
Blue, being the last one standing is not the goal.
Listens:
373
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
46805
Who:
GLaDOS
AGH! You look TERRIB--you look good. Looking good, actually. If I'm honest.
Listens:
802
Who:
Wheatley
Nonononononono!
Listens:
6923
Who:
Defective Turret
I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
Listens:
1257
Who:
GLaDOS
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1582
Who:
GLaDOS
Then, then, when I reluctantly assume the responsibility of running the place, you conveniently decide to run off together. Just when I need you most.
Listens:
462
Who:
Wheatley
So, once again, just... move along. One small step and everything.
Listens:
309
Who:
Wheatley
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
1266
Who:
Wheatley
Let go of me!
Listens:
458
Who:
Wheatley
Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking.
Listens:
555
Who:
GLaDOS
Good.
Listens:
570
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4810
Who:
Cave Johnson
Do you have a gun? Because I should really have a gun. What is that thing you're holding?
Listens:
585
Who:
Core 2
SHUT UP!
Listens:
19385
Who:
Wheatley
You are going to die in this room.
Listens:
769
Who:
Core 3
Here I go!
Listens:
324
Who:
Wheatley
Please get it off me.
Listens:
545
Who:
GLaDOS
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1442
Who:
Wheatley
[laughs]
Listens:
2487
Who:
Wheatley
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1582
Who:
Core 3
There. Fixed.
Listens:
525
Who:
Wheatley
Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
Listens:
6509
Who:
GLaDOS
Thought you'd seen the last of us, didn't ya?
Listens:
715
Who:
Defective Turret
You are about to get me killed.
Listens:
1622
Who:
Core 3
So whatever you're doing, keep doing it!
Listens:
296
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhhhhh, that's tremendous.
Listens:
546
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
38308
Who:
GLaDOS
Cryptic.
Listens:
434
Who:
GLaDOS
Blabbermouth.
Listens:
459
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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