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Portal 2
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Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
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1550
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Here we go...
Listens:
1271
Who:
Wheatley
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
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3360
Who:
Wheatley
Go on.
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930
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, you've already solved it.
Listens:
657
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, you've already solved it once. Less than a minute ago you solved this puzzle. Do it again, please.
Listens:
908
Who:
Wheatley
One minute ago. Less than one minute ago you solved this puzzle. Now you're having problems.
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801
Who:
Wheatley
You just beat this test. Literally twenty seconds ago.
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735
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button.
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1313
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1419
Who:
Wheatley
*cough cough* Pressthebutton.
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7669
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
35263
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Press the button, would you?
Listens:
1182
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1500
Who:
Wheatley
Here's an idea, since making tests is difficult--why don't you just keep solving THIS test. Same one. And I can just... watch you solve it. Yes. That sounds much easier.
Listens:
879
Who:
Wheatley
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
111199
Who:
Wheatley
No, seriously. Do come back. Come back, please.
Listens:
1253
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I've decided not to kill you. IF you come back.
Listens:
817
Who:
Wheatley
Can't help but notice you're not coming back. Which is disappointing.
Listens:
700
Who:
Wheatley
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1889
Who:
Wheatley
Do you remember when we were friends?
Listens:
706
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, friendship. Friendly times. We had a lot of good times, do you remember? Back in the old days.
Listens:
700
Who:
Wheatley
Oo! I've got an idea!
Listens:
570
Who:
Wheatley
No no no! Don't do that! Stand right there! [to self] Start the machine start the machine start the machine...
Listens:
812
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Listens:
1274
Who:
Wheatley
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1992
Who:
Wheatley
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
3104
Who:
Wheatley
Oh I'll tell you what's also down there. Your parents and... There's also an escape elevator!. Down there. Funny. I should have mentioned it before. But so it's down there. So pop down. Jump down. You've got your folks down there and an escape elevator
Listens:
1129
Who:
Wheatley
And what else is down there... Tell you what, it's only a new jumpsuit. A very trendy designer jumpsuit from France. Down there. Which is exactly your size. And if it's a bit baggy, we got a tailor down there as well who can take it in for you
Listens:
843
Who:
Wheatley
And what's this, a lovely handbag? And the three portal device! It's all down there!
Listens:
1115
Who:
Wheatley
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
193958
Who:
Wheatley
Ahh. What?
Listens:
916
Who:
Wheatley
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2175
Who:
Wheatley
Pshh. Really? And do what, exactly?
Listens:
651
Who:
Wheatley
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
4391
Who:
Wheatley
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
4208
Who:
Wheatley
No wait, come back. Sorry. Please. I was going somewhere with that.
Listens:
787
Who:
Wheatley
And again, not playing along. You're ruining what are some really good speeches, actually.
Listens:
463
Who:
Wheatley
Didn't even get to the good part yet. Twist ending.
Listens:
646
Who:
Wheatley
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
1315
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, fine. I'm not saying another word until you do it properly. I'm sick of this.
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608
Who:
Wheatley
No!
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697
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2974
Who:
Wheatley
And FOOLISH! No way out. At my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing.
Listens:
1093
Who:
Wheatley
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2282
Who:
Wheatley
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2683
Who:
Wheatley
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
2243
Who:
Wheatley
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1639
Who:
Wheatley
Where'd you go?
Listens:
402
Who:
Wheatley
Where'd you go? Come back! Come back!
Listens:
688
Who:
Wheatley
Well... Good. Good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect.
Listens:
785
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2275
Who:
Wheatley
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
28878
Who:
Wheatley
Stay still, please.
Listens:
642
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, stop moving.
Listens:
439
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh. Almost got you there. Almost got ya there!
Listens:
448
Who:
Wheatley
Did something break back there?
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656
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Oh! Did it kill you? Oh, that would be amazing if it killed you.
Listens:
742
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
1292
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Oh oh! Yes. Alright. Just had a brainwave. I'll be back. If you're still alive. I'll be back. Don't die until I get back.
Listens:
1054
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on, hold on, hold on... Almost there...
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394
Who:
Wheatley
Don't mind me. Continue escaping.
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433
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Death trap!
Listens:
846
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2275
Who:
Wheatley
Are they killing you? They're killing you, aren't they?
Listens:
673
Who:
Wheatley
Silently killing you. Probably. If I had to guess.
Listens:
554
Who:
Wheatley
Ah! Perhaps the turrets have found a way to use garrotes. That would explain the extremely... quiet killing. That I'm hearing.
Listens:
753
Who:
Wheatley
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
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1315
Who:
Wheatley
You know, I'd tell you if I were dead. Courtesy. Mark of a civil society. So, just let me know.
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453
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, that's long enough. Are you dead yet? How about now?
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667
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I'll take that as a no, then. Fine. Well. May the best man win. Sphere. May the best sphere win. Swap that in. Much more clever. Books.
Listens:
862
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I'll take that as a no, then.
Listens:
424
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Wow! Good! I did not think that was going to work.
Listens:
920
Who:
Wheatley
Ah! There you are. Great. Let me just get rid of this catwalk.
Listens:
415
Who:
Wheatley
There we go. I wanted to talk to you for a moment, if I may.
Listens:
311
Who:
Wheatley
I'll be honest: The death traps have been a bit of a failure so far. For both of us. I think you'll agree. And you are getting very close to my lair.
Listens:
668
Who:
Wheatley
'Lair' - heh, weird isn't it? First time I've said it out loud. Sounds a bit ridiculous, really. But I can assure you it is one. A proper lair. Deadly lair.
Listens:
1062
Who:
Wheatley
So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death trap and more a death option for you.
Listens:
1478
Who:
Wheatley
Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out. Once you get to my lair, death will not be optional. It will be mandatory. No tricks, no surprises: just you dying, as a result of me killing you in a very very gruesome way.
Listens:
1101
Who:
Wheatley
So. Boom. Better offer here is just kill yourself. Seems like a lot of effort to walk all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly serviceable death option right there. Again: not a death trap. Your death would be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated.
Listens:
1208
Who:
Wheatley
The masher does work. I should point that out. I know we've had a couple of problems in the past. This masher definitely works and it will kill you. If that's one of your concerns about jumping in, the masher will kill you. Painless. Well, it won't be painless, obviously. But it will mash you up.
Listens:
654
Who:
Wheatley
In summary: walk all the way to certain doom, or give up now. Honorably. Like a samurai! Save yourself a trip. It's win-win for you.
Listens:
422
Who:
Wheatley
Plus, I put a lot of effort in getting this lair ready for you. It'd certainly teach me a lesson if you simply died, painlessly, twenty feet from the door. I'd be furious. I'd be like RRRRR. I got my just desserts. No more than I deserve. Why not teach me a lesson by jumping in the old masher?
Listens:
898
Who:
Wheatley
I tell you, if I was up against impossible odds, this is the way I'd want to go out: mashed with dignity. That'd be the way I'd choose.
Listens:
381
Who:
Wheatley
And here's the best part. There's a conveyor belt that will convey you in convenient comfort right into the masher. You won't have to lift a finger. Everything's been taken care of. Didn't have to. Didn't have to do that.
Listens:
511
Who:
Wheatley
Look, anyway. I've spoken enough. Take your time. I'll let you think about it. I don't want to pressure you: is it the lair? Is it the masher? You know what my opinion is: Masher. I'm leaning toward masher. Up to you. Just gonna give you some time to think
Listens:
502
Who:
Wheatley
Where are you going? Don't run! Don't run! I'll tell you why you shouldn't run: The harder you breathe, the more neurotoxin you'll inhale. It's bloody clever, this stuff. Seriously, it's devilish.
Listens:
678
Who:
Wheatley
Still running. Alright. Looks tiring. Tell you what - you stop running and I'll stop bombing you... That seems fair.
Listens:
548
Who:
Wheatley
Alright. Didn't go for that, I see. Knew I was lying. Point to you. But you still are inhaling neurotoxin. So, point deducted.
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328
Who:
Wheatley
Look out! I'm right behind you! No, of course I'm not. Saw through that too. Forty feet tall, right in front of you. Not my greatest ruse. To be honest. Still a giant robot, though.
Listens:
1269
Who:
Wheatley
Also, I took the liberty of watching the tapes of you killing her, and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. Four part plan is this:
Listens:
717
Who:
Wheatley
One: No portal surfaces.
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1064
Who:
Wheatley
Two: Start the neurotoxin immediately.
Listens:
998
Who:
Wheatley
Three: Bomb-proof shields for me. Leading directly into number Four: Bombs. For throwing at you.
Listens:
1010
Who:
Wheatley
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1589
Who:
Wheatley
Well, well, well. Welcome to MY LAIR! Lemme just flag something up: According to the control panel light up there, the entire building's going to self destruct in about six minutes. Pretty sure it's a problem with the light. I think the light's on the blink. But just in case it isn't, I actually am going to have to kill you. As discussed earlier.
Listens:
8736
Who:
Wheatley
So, let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break, which should leave a leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all these fires. So anyway, that's the itinerary.
Listens:
860
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1506
Who:
Wheatley
What happened? What, what, what have you put onto me? What is that?
Listens:
550
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on, [click click click] Ah, the bloody bombs are stuck on. Doesn't matter - I've reconfigured the shields.
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1085
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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