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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
745395
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
641842
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
573017
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
452153
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
367208
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
303591
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
208590
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
184072
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
179069
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
167258
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
147031
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
128313
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
120962
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
110102
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
104843
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
104183
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
100709
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
98322
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
96615
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
85211
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
83573
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
77242
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
73102
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
70241
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
67940
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
67180
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
66224
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
54372
Who:
Turret
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
52202
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
52023
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
49087
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
48292
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
46977
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
45129
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
44898
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
43712
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
42303
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
42081
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
41286
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
39013
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
37350
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
36296
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
35586
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
34288
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
33068
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
32447
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
32174
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
32162
Who:
Wheatley
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
31066
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
30634
Who:
Core 2
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
30625
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
29881
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
28381
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
27291
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
27073
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
27001
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
26949
Who:
Turret
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
26241
Who:
GLaDOS
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
25885
Who:
Announcer
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
25681
Who:
Caroline
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
25664
Who:
Core 2
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
25600
Who:
Announcer
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
25090
Who:
GLaDOS
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
24593
Who:
Core 1
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
24075
Who:
Caroline
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
23927
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
23056
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
22937
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
22629
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
22508
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
22497
Who:
Caroline
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
22449
Who:
Turret
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
21886
Who:
Core 1
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
20985
Who:
Core 1
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
20769
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
20640
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
20473
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap]
Listens:
20468
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
20237
Who:
Announcer
SPACE!
Listens:
20196
Who:
Wheatley
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
19966
Who:
Core 1
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
19766
Who:
Turret
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
19730
Who:
Defective Turret
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
19474
Who:
Wheatley
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
19244
Who:
Wheatley
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
19203
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
19045
Who:
GLaDOS
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
18338
Who:
Defective Turret
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
18311
Who:
Core 1
I don't want this!
Listens:
18277
Who:
Caroline
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
18236
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
18182
Who:
Cave Johnson
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
17593
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
17593
Who:
Wheatley
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
17591
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
17590
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
17589
Who:
Caroline
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
17588
Who:
Core 3
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
17586
Who:
Core 1
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
17585
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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