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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
752844
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
645263
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
577216
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
455169
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
369809
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
306713
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
210365
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
186558
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
181538
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
169736
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
149258
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
130655
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
122715
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
111351
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
107046
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
106121
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
102651
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
99974
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
98176
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
86690
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
84867
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
78517
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
74727
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
71481
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
69837
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
68402
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
67409
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
55638
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
53122
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
52994
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
50026
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
49316
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
48123
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
46206
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
45667
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
44779
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
43604
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
43002
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
42009
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
39855
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
38036
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
37115
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
36513
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
34841
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
33770
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
33713
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
33140
Who:
Wheatley
Get mad!
Listens:
33120
Who:
Turret
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
31895
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
31376
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
31260
Who:
Core 2
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
30679
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
29006
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
27943
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
27866
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
27795
Who:
Turret
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
27596
Who:
Wheatley
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
27425
Who:
GLaDOS
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
26704
Who:
Announcer
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
26637
Who:
Announcer
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
26303
Who:
Caroline
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
26131
Who:
Core 2
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
25950
Who:
GLaDOS
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
25045
Who:
Core 1
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
24765
Who:
Caroline
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
24719
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
23648
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
23488
Who:
Turret
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
23237
Who:
GLaDOS
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
23145
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
23099
Who:
Caroline
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
22964
Who:
Turret
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
22616
Who:
Core 1
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
21380
Who:
Core 1
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
21337
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
21130
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
21059
Who:
Announcer
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
21054
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap]
Listens:
21018
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
20823
Who:
Wheatley
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
20481
Who:
Wheatley
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
20425
Who:
Core 1
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
20372
Who:
Turret
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
20247
Who:
Defective Turret
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
19702
Who:
Wheatley
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
19688
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
19662
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
18965
Who:
GLaDOS
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
18766
Who:
Defective Turret
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
18734
Who:
Core 1
I don't want this!
Listens:
18695
Who:
Caroline
Warning. Reactor core is at critical temperature.
Listens:
18625
Who:
Announcer
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
18625
Who:
Cave Johnson
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
18136
Who:
Cave Johnson
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
18090
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
18086
Who:
Core 1
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
18086
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
18085
Who:
Caroline
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
18085
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
18085
Who:
Wheatley
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