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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
743063
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
640815
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
571791
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
451212
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
366403
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
302698
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
208059
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
183309
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
178303
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
166565
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
146355
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
127555
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
120396
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
109680
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
104286
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
103571
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
100035
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
97757
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
96088
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
84726
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
83112
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
76891
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
72546
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
69762
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
67221
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
66718
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
65745
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
53842
Who:
Turret
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
51903
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
51656
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
48797
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
47941
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
46599
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
44804
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
44609
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
43331
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
41897
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
41688
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
41035
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
38747
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
37126
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
36017
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
35209
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
34130
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
32783
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
32019
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
31865
Who:
Wheatley
Get mad!
Listens:
31843
Who:
Turret
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
30799
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
30442
Who:
Core 2
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
30378
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
29647
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
28192
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
27119
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
26827
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
26775
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
26690
Who:
Turret
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
25919
Who:
GLaDOS
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
25614
Who:
Announcer
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
25499
Who:
Core 2
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
25497
Who:
Caroline
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
25322
Who:
Announcer
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
24830
Who:
GLaDOS
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
24467
Who:
Core 1
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
23819
Who:
Caroline
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
23652
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
22881
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
22774
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
22465
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
22286
Who:
Caroline
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
22278
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
22263
Who:
Turret
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
21649
Who:
Core 1
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
20850
Who:
Core 1
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
20593
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
20472
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
20310
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
20282
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPACE!
Listens:
19991
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
19976
Who:
Announcer
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
19845
Who:
Core 1
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
19603
Who:
Turret
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
19589
Who:
Defective Turret
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
19204
Who:
Wheatley
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
19092
Who:
Wheatley
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
19047
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
18838
Who:
GLaDOS
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
18194
Who:
Defective Turret
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
18177
Who:
Core 1
I don't want this!
Listens:
18108
Who:
Caroline
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
18044
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
17964
Who:
GLaDOS
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
17427
Who:
Core 3
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
17426
Who:
Core 1
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
17426
Who:
Wheatley
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
17425
Who:
Caroline
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
17425
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
17425
Who:
Core 1
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
17425
Who:
GLaDOS
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
17423
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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