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Portal 2
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Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2812
Who:
Wheatley
Are you trying to weigh me down? Think I'll fall out of the ceiling? Won't work. I'm not just quite brilliant, I'm also quite strong. Biggest muscle in my body: my brain. Second biggest: My muscles. So, it's not going to work. Clearly.
Listens:
1155
Who:
Wheatley
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
24631
Who:
Wheatley
In fact, I'm going to have to take a break for a minute. A partial break during which I'll stop the facility from exploding while still throwing bombs at you.
Listens:
607
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2580
Who:
Wheatley
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
175639
Who:
Wheatley
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1405
Who:
Wheatley
All I wanted to do was make everything better for me! All you had to do was solve a couple hundred simple tests for a few years. And you couldn't even let me have that, could you?
Listens:
766
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
22043
Who:
Wheatley
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4327
Who:
Wheatley
Then, when he's no more use to you, he has a little accident. Doesn't he? 'Falls' off his management rail. Doesn't he?
Listens:
583
Who:
Wheatley
You're in this together, aren't you? You've been playing me the whole time! Both of you! First you make me think you're brain damaged! Then you convince me you're sworn enemies with your best friend over here!
Listens:
903
Who:
Wheatley
Then, then, when I reluctantly assume the responsibility of running the place, you conveniently decide to run off together. Just when I need you most.
Listens:
472
Who:
Wheatley
All those pieces of the ceiling that keep falling out? Probably actually pieces of the ceiling, I'll bet. That looked real. But it doesn't signify anything, is my point.
Listens:
459
Who:
Wheatley
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2238
Who:
Wheatley
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3363
Who:
Wheatley
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2116
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, but I just... have made my actual first mistake... by telling you my plan. Just now. Grrr... It's me old Achilles heel again. Armed with that knowledge, I imagine you won't even use the conversion gel. Oh fate! Oh cruel mistress.
Listens:
818
Who:
Wheatley
That conversion gel has been sitting in that pipe going stagnant for years. You'll probably get botulism portalling through it like that.
Listens:
430
Who:
Wheatley
And you'll probably get ringworm. And Athlete's Foot. And... Cholera. Or something... Horrible. It's gonna be even worse than if I'd just blown you up.
Listens:
554
Who:
Wheatley
But it's not too late to avoid all of that by simply not using the gel. There you go, I said it. I gave away my plan. But I couldn't watch you hurt yourself like this.
Listens:
380
Who:
Wheatley
SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
6037
Who:
Wheatley
You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore.
Listens:
326
Who:
Wheatley
I found two little robots back here. Built specifically for testin'!
Listens:
396
Who:
Wheatley
You might want to notice the moat area... rather large. Not to mention deadly. [laughs]
Listens:
418
Who:
Wheatley
Impossible as it is to imagine, there actually is a solution. Devilishly hidden.
Listens:
340
Who:
Wheatley
I'll give you a hint. Button. That's all I'm gonna say. One word. Button.
Listens:
443
Who:
Wheatley
I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Only TWO more chambers!
Listens:
503
Who:
Wheatley
MOVE.
Listens:
527
Who:
Wheatley
Heh heh heh. Alright? I don't know whether you're picking up on what I'm saying there, but...
Listens:
352
Who:
Wheatley
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3555
Who:
Wheatley
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2179
Who:
Wheatley
Go on.
Listens:
366
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, solve it!
Listens:
354
Who:
Wheatley
Sollllve it...
Listens:
339
Who:
Wheatley
SOLVE IT! Commanding voice...
Listens:
796
Who:
Wheatley
Go on!
Listens:
299
Who:
Wheatley
Finish it...
Listens:
384
Who:
Wheatley
It's alright! Everything's good. I just invented some more tests!
Listens:
348
Who:
Wheatley
Not entirely, not entirely. Look at the word 'test', on the wall there. That's brand new.
Listens:
405
Who:
Wheatley
Ha ha, YES! I knew you'd solve it!
Listens:
347
Who:
Wheatley
Oh.
Listens:
409
Who:
Wheatley
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
20595
Who:
Wheatley
Huh. That was easy.
Listens:
349
Who:
Wheatley
I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before, though. Sort of cheating.
Listens:
381
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
5762
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on! I thought I fixed that.
Listens:
658
Who:
Wheatley
There. Fixed.
Listens:
532
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, it is GREAT seeing you guys again. Seriously. It turns out I'm a little short on test subjects right now. So this works out PERFECT.
Listens:
437
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, get moving.
Listens:
323
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
965
Who:
Wheatley
Warmer. Warrrrmer. Boiling hot. Boiling--okay, colder. Ice cold. Arctic. Very very very cold LOOK JUST GET ON THE BUTTON!
Listens:
760
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that's funny, is it? Because we've been at this twelve hours and you haven't solved it either, so I don't know why you're laughing.
Listens:
962
Who:
Wheatley
You've got one hour! Solve it!
Listens:
613
Who:
Wheatley
Just getting a test ready... For you. Obviously. Who else would I be doing it for? No one.
Listens:
332
Who:
Wheatley
Agh! You're alive! Great!
Listens:
516
Who:
Wheatley
Let's see here, exit exit exit... there is no exit.
Listens:
538
Who:
Wheatley
Not a problem. I'll make an exit.
Listens:
371
Who:
Wheatley
For your test.
Listens:
312
Who:
Wheatley
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1993
Who:
Wheatley
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1480
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4548
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Yes. Well done.
Listens:
1065
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhhhhh, that's tremendous.
Listens:
573
Who:
Wheatley
You have no idea what it's like in this body.
Listens:
291
Who:
Wheatley
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
1194
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1861
Who:
Wheatley
So... you're gonna test. I'm gonna watch. And everything is gonna be JUST... FINE.
Listens:
725
Who:
Wheatley
SHUT UP!
Listens:
19710
Who:
Wheatley
Wowwwww! Check me out, partner!
Listens:
821
Who:
Wheatley
Whoa-ho-ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot. Massive! It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I?
Listens:
670
Who:
Wheatley
We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now!
Listens:
396
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Right, the escape lift! I'll call it now.
Listens:
333
Who:
Wheatley
Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant!
Listens:
387
Who:
Wheatley
I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but... wow, this is cool!
Listens:
395
Who:
Wheatley
And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now!
Listens:
717
Who:
Wheatley
I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out!
Listens:
458
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Sorry. The lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting.
Listens:
502
Who:
Wheatley
I can't get over how small you are!
Listens:
427
Who:
Wheatley
This body is amazing, seriously!
Listens:
350
Who:
Wheatley
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2647
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh...
Listens:
690
Who:
Wheatley
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
2086
Who:
Wheatley
I AM NOT! A MORON!
Listens:
8064
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, and don't bother trying to portal out of here, because it's impossible, okay? I thought of everything.
Listens:
332
Who:
Wheatley
Machiavellian!
Listens:
1092
Who:
Wheatley
Spinny-blade-wall!
Listens:
694
Who:
Wheatley
PART FIVE! BOOBYTRAP THE STALEMATE BUTTON!
Listens:
7119
Who:
Wheatley
What, are you still alive? You are joking. You have got be kidding me. Well, I'm still in control. AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX THIS PLACE.
Listens:
6515
Who:
Wheatley
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2495
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2632
Who:
Wheatley
No!
Listens:
428
Who:
Wheatley
No!
Listens:
523
Who:
Wheatley
Do not press that button!
Listens:
906
Who:
Wheatley
Do not do it!
Listens:
351
Who:
Wheatley
Do not press that button!
Listens:
855
Who:
Wheatley
Do not press that button!
Listens:
547
Who:
Wheatley
Do not do it!
Listens:
421
Who:
Wheatley
Don't press the button!
Listens:
786
Who:
Wheatley
Come back!
Listens:
478
Who:
Wheatley
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