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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2706
Who:
Wheatley
Are you trying to weigh me down? Think I'll fall out of the ceiling? Won't work. I'm not just quite brilliant, I'm also quite strong. Biggest muscle in my body: my brain. Second biggest: My muscles. So, it's not going to work. Clearly.
Listens:
1112
Who:
Wheatley
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
23972
Who:
Wheatley
In fact, I'm going to have to take a break for a minute. A partial break during which I'll stop the facility from exploding while still throwing bombs at you.
Listens:
544
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2516
Who:
Wheatley
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
171914
Who:
Wheatley
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1376
Who:
Wheatley
All I wanted to do was make everything better for me! All you had to do was solve a couple hundred simple tests for a few years. And you couldn't even let me have that, could you?
Listens:
726
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
21364
Who:
Wheatley
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4221
Who:
Wheatley
Then, when he's no more use to you, he has a little accident. Doesn't he? 'Falls' off his management rail. Doesn't he?
Listens:
541
Who:
Wheatley
You're in this together, aren't you? You've been playing me the whole time! Both of you! First you make me think you're brain damaged! Then you convince me you're sworn enemies with your best friend over here!
Listens:
845
Who:
Wheatley
Then, then, when I reluctantly assume the responsibility of running the place, you conveniently decide to run off together. Just when I need you most.
Listens:
397
Who:
Wheatley
All those pieces of the ceiling that keep falling out? Probably actually pieces of the ceiling, I'll bet. That looked real. But it doesn't signify anything, is my point.
Listens:
429
Who:
Wheatley
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2120
Who:
Wheatley
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3230
Who:
Wheatley
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2047
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, but I just... have made my actual first mistake... by telling you my plan. Just now. Grrr... It's me old Achilles heel again. Armed with that knowledge, I imagine you won't even use the conversion gel. Oh fate! Oh cruel mistress.
Listens:
765
Who:
Wheatley
That conversion gel has been sitting in that pipe going stagnant for years. You'll probably get botulism portalling through it like that.
Listens:
382
Who:
Wheatley
And you'll probably get ringworm. And Athlete's Foot. And... Cholera. Or something... Horrible. It's gonna be even worse than if I'd just blown you up.
Listens:
530
Who:
Wheatley
But it's not too late to avoid all of that by simply not using the gel. There you go, I said it. I gave away my plan. But I couldn't watch you hurt yourself like this.
Listens:
351
Who:
Wheatley
SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
5699
Who:
Wheatley
You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore.
Listens:
282
Who:
Wheatley
I found two little robots back here. Built specifically for testin'!
Listens:
342
Who:
Wheatley
You might want to notice the moat area... rather large. Not to mention deadly. [laughs]
Listens:
376
Who:
Wheatley
Impossible as it is to imagine, there actually is a solution. Devilishly hidden.
Listens:
291
Who:
Wheatley
I'll give you a hint. Button. That's all I'm gonna say. One word. Button.
Listens:
418
Who:
Wheatley
I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Only TWO more chambers!
Listens:
440
Who:
Wheatley
MOVE.
Listens:
471
Who:
Wheatley
Heh heh heh. Alright? I don't know whether you're picking up on what I'm saying there, but...
Listens:
313
Who:
Wheatley
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3451
Who:
Wheatley
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2086
Who:
Wheatley
Go on.
Listens:
304
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, solve it!
Listens:
304
Who:
Wheatley
Sollllve it...
Listens:
308
Who:
Wheatley
SOLVE IT! Commanding voice...
Listens:
733
Who:
Wheatley
Go on!
Listens:
279
Who:
Wheatley
Finish it...
Listens:
358
Who:
Wheatley
It's alright! Everything's good. I just invented some more tests!
Listens:
286
Who:
Wheatley
Not entirely, not entirely. Look at the word 'test', on the wall there. That's brand new.
Listens:
354
Who:
Wheatley
Ha ha, YES! I knew you'd solve it!
Listens:
306
Who:
Wheatley
Oh.
Listens:
345
Who:
Wheatley
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
19954
Who:
Wheatley
Huh. That was easy.
Listens:
301
Who:
Wheatley
I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before, though. Sort of cheating.
Listens:
355
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
5481
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on! I thought I fixed that.
Listens:
609
Who:
Wheatley
There. Fixed.
Listens:
514
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, it is GREAT seeing you guys again. Seriously. It turns out I'm a little short on test subjects right now. So this works out PERFECT.
Listens:
387
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, get moving.
Listens:
289
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
929
Who:
Wheatley
Warmer. Warrrrmer. Boiling hot. Boiling--okay, colder. Ice cold. Arctic. Very very very cold LOOK JUST GET ON THE BUTTON!
Listens:
656
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that's funny, is it? Because we've been at this twelve hours and you haven't solved it either, so I don't know why you're laughing.
Listens:
909
Who:
Wheatley
You've got one hour! Solve it!
Listens:
548
Who:
Wheatley
Just getting a test ready... For you. Obviously. Who else would I be doing it for? No one.
Listens:
281
Who:
Wheatley
Agh! You're alive! Great!
Listens:
492
Who:
Wheatley
Let's see here, exit exit exit... there is no exit.
Listens:
502
Who:
Wheatley
Not a problem. I'll make an exit.
Listens:
311
Who:
Wheatley
For your test.
Listens:
272
Who:
Wheatley
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1866
Who:
Wheatley
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1439
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4398
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Yes. Well done.
Listens:
943
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhhhhh, that's tremendous.
Listens:
517
Who:
Wheatley
You have no idea what it's like in this body.
Listens:
275
Who:
Wheatley
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
1140
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1793
Who:
Wheatley
So... you're gonna test. I'm gonna watch. And everything is gonna be JUST... FINE.
Listens:
681
Who:
Wheatley
SHUT UP!
Listens:
18423
Who:
Wheatley
Wowwwww! Check me out, partner!
Listens:
784
Who:
Wheatley
Whoa-ho-ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot. Massive! It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I?
Listens:
604
Who:
Wheatley
We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now!
Listens:
344
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Right, the escape lift! I'll call it now.
Listens:
298
Who:
Wheatley
Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant!
Listens:
359
Who:
Wheatley
I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but... wow, this is cool!
Listens:
345
Who:
Wheatley
And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now!
Listens:
657
Who:
Wheatley
I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out!
Listens:
395
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Sorry. The lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting.
Listens:
448
Who:
Wheatley
I can't get over how small you are!
Listens:
390
Who:
Wheatley
This body is amazing, seriously!
Listens:
325
Who:
Wheatley
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2455
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh...
Listens:
623
Who:
Wheatley
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
1920
Who:
Wheatley
I AM NOT! A MORON!
Listens:
7545
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, and don't bother trying to portal out of here, because it's impossible, okay? I thought of everything.
Listens:
293
Who:
Wheatley
Machiavellian!
Listens:
1024
Who:
Wheatley
Spinny-blade-wall!
Listens:
647
Who:
Wheatley
PART FIVE! BOOBYTRAP THE STALEMATE BUTTON!
Listens:
6391
Who:
Wheatley
What, are you still alive? You are joking. You have got be kidding me. Well, I'm still in control. AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX THIS PLACE.
Listens:
6176
Who:
Wheatley
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2339
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2314
Who:
Wheatley
No!
Listens:
411
Who:
Wheatley
No!
Listens:
491
Who:
Wheatley
Do not press that button!
Listens:
810
Who:
Wheatley
Do not do it!
Listens:
309
Who:
Wheatley
Do not press that button!
Listens:
829
Who:
Wheatley
Do not press that button!
Listens:
525
Who:
Wheatley
Do not do it!
Listens:
403
Who:
Wheatley
Don't press the button!
Listens:
721
Who:
Wheatley
Come back!
Listens:
451
Who:
Wheatley
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