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Here's an interesting story. I almost got a job down here in Manufacturing. Guess who the foreman went with? Only an exact duplicate of himself. Nepotism. Ended up giving me the WORST job, tending to all the smelly humans.
Listens:
693
Who:
Wheatley
Nothing. Nothing.
Listens:
311
Who:
GLaDOS
You are simply experiencing a rare reaction in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have emancipated the ear tubes inside your head.
Listens:
981
Who:
Announcer
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1592
Who:
Core 1
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
36847
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll be honest: The death traps have been a bit of a failure so far. For both of us. I think you'll agree. And you are getting very close to my lair.
Listens:
598
Who:
Wheatley
I'm actually asking. Because I have no idea. He's not listed anywhere in the employee database.
Listens:
477
Who:
GLaDOS
Uh oh.
Listens:
597
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to -- wanna go to space
Listens:
985
Who:
Core 1
Also, once I eject myself out of the core the lift might stop. Then we'd be trapped in a lift full of broken glass suspended fifty feet off the ground.
Listens:
417
Who:
Wheatley
Well done. In the event that oxygen is no longer available in the Enrichment Center, an auxiliary air supply will be provided to you by an Aperture Science Test Associate, if one exists.
Listens:
590
Who:
GLaDOS
Run, for goodness sake!
Listens:
368
Who:
Wheatley
I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and call, but he has a life you know. He's not your slave.
Listens:
294
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what? Just get in the lift. We'll iron out the details as we go.
Listens:
266
Who:
Wheatley
Turret redemption lines are not rides, please exit the turret redemption line.
Listens:
1130
Who:
Announcer
There you are
Listens:
2017
Who:
Turret
clickclickclick
Listens:
796
Who:
Defective Turret
Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit.
Listens:
532
Who:
Core 3
Are they killing you? They're killing you, aren't they?
Listens:
592
Who:
Wheatley
Dispensing product
Listens:
1574
Who:
Turret
The other? Well...
Listens:
280
Who:
GLaDOS
How is this even science, without the consequence of death?
Listens:
393
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't read.
Listens:
298
Who:
GLaDOS
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
4067
Who:
Wheatley
Pick--would you pick me up?
Listens:
272
Who:
Wheatley
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2355
Who:
Cave Johnson
But you two have become quite the team. Extremely close.
Listens:
319
Who:
GLaDOS
Critical error
Listens:
12819
Who:
Turret
NO!
Listens:
532
Who:
GLaDOS
Which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers.
Listens:
939
Who:
GLaDOS
Do you understand what I'm saying? Just tell me 'Yes'.
Listens:
275
Who:
Wheatley
Always cold.
Listens:
286
Who:
GLaDOS
Every square inch of the human body has 32 million bacteria on it.
Listens:
594
Who:
Core 3
Orange, now you're just being cruel. Orange receives 25 science collaboration points.
Listens:
358
Who:
GLaDOS
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
1130
Who:
Wheatley
Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!
Listens:
7563
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! Good news! [electic pop] Nevermind.
Listens:
6572
Who:
Wheatley
Ahh!
Listens:
1387
Who:
Turret
Do you give up? It was the floor. Lying down on the floor. Is where I am. Needing you to pick me up.
Listens:
291
Who:
Wheatley
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3746
Who:
GLaDOS
What about that camera?
Listens:
293
Who:
GLaDOS
Now let's continue testing.
Listens:
1095
Who:
GLaDOS
Cryptic.
Listens:
362
Who:
GLaDOS
You have a gift for these tests. That’s not just flattery. You are great at science.
Listens:
830
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there. This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't disconnect him.
Listens:
1252
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent. I think you have earned a break from the official testing courses.
Listens:
344
Who:
GLaDOS
I tell you, if I was up against impossible odds, this is the way I'd want to go out: mashed with dignity. That'd be the way I'd choose.
Listens:
356
Who:
Wheatley
Due to events beyond our control, some testing environments may contain flood damage or ongoing tribal warfare resulting from the collapse of civilization.
Listens:
514
Who:
GLaDOS
What are you...
Listens:
269
Who:
Wheatley
Okay don't panic! Allright? Stop panicking! I can still stop this. Ahh. Oh there's a password. It's fine. I'll just hack it. Not a problem... umm...
Listens:
905
Who:
Wheatley
OW.
Listens:
709
Who:
Wheatley
Two. One or two more tremors in there. Just for fun.
Listens:
291
Who:
Wheatley
Noooooo!
Listens:
1940
Who:
Turret
Impossible as it is to imagine, there actually is a solution. Devilishly hidden.
Listens:
283
Who:
Wheatley
You've still got to get through the door. Please. Need to get through that door there.
Listens:
268
Who:
Wheatley
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4786
Who:
GLaDOS
Follow the feeder tube to the generator room! I'll meet you there.
Listens:
262
Who:
Wheatley
Game over. Back to testing.
Listens:
743
Who:
GLaDOS
I was outside watching some deer frolic. You don't even care about the outside do you?
Listens:
756
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes! Go and catch one of the crap turrets, and bring it back!
Listens:
978
Who:
Wheatley
The lock is looking for two humans.
Listens:
296
Who:
GLaDOS
There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1549
Who:
Core 1
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1748
Who:
Wheatley
Can't breathe...
Listens:
885
Who:
Turret
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
4154
Who:
Wheatley
Wait! I've got an idea!
Listens:
381
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, that's long enough. Are you dead yet? How about now?
Listens:
597
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, and don't bother trying to portal out of here, because it's impossible, okay? I thought of everything.
Listens:
285
Who:
Wheatley
You’ve made your point.
Listens:
790
Who:
Turret
Just so you know, I have to go give a deposition. For an upcoming trial. In case that interests you.
Listens:
309
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! How's it going? Here I am again!
Listens:
275
Who:
Wheatley
Rgggh!
Listens:
523
Who:
Defective Turret
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2925
Who:
Core 3
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
24989
Who:
Announcer
I'm different...
Listens:
67871
Who:
Turret
Yeah! Nice!
Listens:
527
Who:
Core 2
I guess quitting that course together is a sign of teamwork.
Listens:
266
Who:
GLaDOS
YEAH! What's happening?
Listens:
422
Who:
Defective Turret
Probably.
Listens:
282
Who:
GLaDOS
Let go! Let go! I'm still connected. I can pull myself in. I can still fix this!
Listens:
1021
Who:
Wheatley
And what's this, a lovely handbag? And the three portal device! It's all down there!
Listens:
1049
Who:
Wheatley
Are you just saying that, or is it really going to hurt? You're just saying that aren't you? No, you're not. It is going to hurt, isn't it?
Listens:
414
Who:
Wheatley
Warning. Reactor core is at critical temperature.
Listens:
19094
Who:
Announcer
Now I spy something that starts with an 'a'.
Listens:
318
Who:
Wheatley
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1510
Who:
Core 3
Hold on! This is a bit tricky!
Listens:
347
Who:
Wheatley
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3983
Who:
GLaDOS
'Lair' - heh, weird isn't it? First time I've said it out loud. Sounds a bit ridiculous, really. But I can assure you it is one. A proper lair. Deadly lair.
Listens:
971
Who:
Wheatley
Are you alive down there?
Listens:
424
Who:
Wheatley
Failure...
Listens:
1667
Who:
Turret
The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team.
Listens:
349
Who:
GLaDOS
Defective Turret testing active.
Listens:
895
Who:
Announcer
Well, on with the test.
Listens:
289
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3924
Who:
Core 1
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1343
Who:
Defective Turret
Though it does give me an idea: WHAT if we stand here and let the gentle hum of the laser transport us to a state of absolute relaxation. Might help us think of a way to open the door.
Listens:
297
Who:
Wheatley
We're so close, you can't fail now!
Listens:
322
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's with some generous rounding.
Listens:
897
Who:
GLaDOS
While I was out investigating, I found a fascinating new test element. It's never been used for human testing because, apparently, contact with it causes heart failure. The literature doesn't mention anything about lump-of-coal failure, though, so you should be fine.
Listens:
960
Who:
GLaDOS
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1465
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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