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Portal 2
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Agh, just... I just gotta get it through here...
Listens:
304
Who:
Wheatley
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2242
Who:
Core 3
Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped.
Listens:
713
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright. So that last test was... seriously disappointing. Apparently being civil isn't motivating you. So let's try things her way... fatty. Adopted fatty. Fatty fatty no-parents.
Listens:
7619
Who:
Wheatley
Heh heh heh heh...
Listens:
458
Who:
Defective Turret
Also, a note: No braces on your spine, either. So don't land on that. Or your head, no braces there. That could split like a melon from this height. [nervous chuckle] Do definitely focus on landing with your legs.
Listens:
432
Who:
Wheatley
Still. That would have been exciting.
Listens:
337
Who:
GLaDOS
But don't worry, you are in the lead.
Listens:
347
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, off you go!
Listens:
333
Who:
Wheatley
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
27271
Who:
Caroline
You messed with the wrong woman!
Listens:
786
Who:
Core 2
Hold on now. I might not have thought this next part COMPLETELY through.
Listens:
348
Who:
Wheatley
Might as well give you the tour.
Listens:
346
Who:
Wheatley
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3727
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
1366
Who:
Turret
I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
Listens:
1298
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know humans frown on weight variances?
Listens:
734
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
4178
Who:
Core 1
Moves lips while reading.
Listens:
402
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
51259
Who:
GLaDOS
The occupation of court jester was invented accidentally, when a vassal's epilepsy was mistaken for capering.
Listens:
706
Who:
Core 3
It didn't matter to me - I was in it for the science. Him, though...
Listens:
576
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay!
Listens:
435
Who:
Defective Turret
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1983
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, come ON!
Listens:
857
Who:
Defective Turret
Dental floss has superb tensile strength.
Listens:
1144
Who:
Core 3
You’ve made your point.
Listens:
831
Who:
Turret
Busybody.
Listens:
303
Who:
GLaDOS
You'll never believe what happened! There I was, just lying there, you thought I was done for, but --
Listens:
421
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2337
Who:
GLaDOS
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2323
Who:
Announcer
I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test.
Listens:
964
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1677
Who:
Announcer
Your ping tool can also be used to indicate to your partner where you would like them to place their portal.
Listens:
428
Who:
GLaDOS
By completing all test courses, you have achieved Level C security clearance. You may now access all testing courses and three of Aperture Science's 176 restrooms.
Listens:
1358
Who:
Announcer
clickclickclick
Listens:
1426
Who:
Defective Turret
You know what? Go ahead and jump. You've got braces on your legs. No braces on your arms, though. Gonna have to rely on the old human strength to keep a grip on the device and, by extension, me. So do. Do make sure to maintain a grip.
Listens:
481
Who:
Wheatley
Are you curious about the humans? It seems some of the last non-testing humans alive tried to secretly imprison other humans and hide their tracks.
Listens:
527
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, down these stairs.
Listens:
301
Who:
Wheatley
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
21491
Who:
Turret
The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down.
Listens:
920
Who:
GLaDOS
[tired breathing] Nevermind. Nevermind. Solve it yourself. You're on your own.
Listens:
548
Who:
Wheatley
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1866
Who:
Wheatley
Please test your device by portaling to that ledge.
Listens:
298
Who:
GLaDOS
Heh heh heh. Alright? I don't know whether you're picking up on what I'm saying there, but...
Listens:
352
Who:
Wheatley
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
4112
Who:
Announcer
YEAH! What's happening?
Listens:
482
Who:
Defective Turret
You know what? I think we're well past the point of tasteful restraint. So I'll tell you: they all died. Horrifically. Trying to get that portal device that you're gripping in your meaty little fingers there.
Listens:
742
Who:
Wheatley
Ow!
Listens:
422
Who:
Wheatley
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1623
Who:
GLaDOS
Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests?
Listens:
337
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1415
Who:
Wheatley
A bloody bird! Right? Couldn't believe it either. And then the bird--
Listens:
1226
Who:
Wheatley
How is this even science, without the possibility of death?
Listens:
677
Who:
GLaDOS
The body he's squatting in - MY body - has a built-in euphoric response to testing. Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a little... unbearable. Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it.
Listens:
780
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me?
Listens:
873
Who:
Turret
Press the button!
Listens:
1408
Who:
GLaDOS
Here she comes! Just play along! RememberFifteenChambers!
Listens:
359
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh...
Listens:
690
Who:
Wheatley
Starting now, if I'm honest, to wonder if you're not doing all this screen-breaking on purpose. Beginning to take it personally. You know what I mean? It's like an insult to me.
Listens:
459
Who:
Wheatley
Leave me in! Leave me in! Go press it!
Listens:
445
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Plan B. We need humans.
Listens:
726
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1861
Who:
Wheatley
Rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
1022
Who:
Core 3
Incoherent.
Listens:
323
Who:
GLaDOS
This ain't Marquis of Queensberry Rules, sweetie! Pour on the mustard!
Listens:
599
Who:
Core 2
Okay, go on, just pull that turret out.
Listens:
299
Who:
Wheatley
Pick--would you pick me up?
Listens:
315
Who:
Wheatley
Blue receives
Listens:
333
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what makes me laugh? The thought of you stopping that.
Listens:
404
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you okay? Are you - Don't answer that. I'm absolutely sure you're fine. There's plenty of time for you to recover. Just take it slow.
Listens:
541
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on! This is a bit tricky!
Listens:
399
Who:
Wheatley
Alright. [nervous laugh] Can't do it if you're leering at me. Creepy.
Listens:
544
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! How's it going? Here I am again!
Listens:
362
Who:
Wheatley
Searching
Listens:
875
Who:
Turret
You are making this harder than it needs to be.
Listens:
295
Who:
GLaDOS
Well... I'll be here during the whole next test.
Listens:
318
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before, though. Sort of cheating.
Listens:
381
Who:
Wheatley
You will know it when you find it.
Listens:
291
Who:
GLaDOS
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2245
Who:
Announcer
Sorry, what's going on over there? You know, I'm actually over here, still thinking really hard!
Listens:
344
Who:
Wheatley
Before the invention of scrambled eggs in 1912, the typical breakfast was either whole eggs still in the shell or scrambled rocks.
Listens:
1130
Who:
Core 3
Pfff. I guess.
Listens:
561
Who:
Core 2
So. If you've got any reservations whatsoever about this plan, now would be the time to voice them.
Listens:
380
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
4375
Who:
GLaDOS
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3639
Who:
Turret
Oh, what? How stupid does she think we are?
Listens:
458
Who:
Wheatley
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
2106
Who:
Wheatley
Stop with the waves.
Listens:
356
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes! Go and catch one of the crap turrets, and bring it back!
Listens:
1148
Who:
Wheatley
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1632
Who:
GLaDOS
This close and that's what you do?
Listens:
343
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2365
Who:
Core 2
Ah. Hmmmm.
Listens:
331
Who:
Wheatley
AH!
Listens:
4282
Who:
Wheatley
Blue to be clear, I was asking if Orange trusted you.
Listens:
296
Who:
GLaDOS
You two aren't lost are you?
Listens:
343
Who:
GLaDOS
You are going to die in this room.
Listens:
776
Who:
Core 3
Whoever wins this battle is clearly superior, and will earn the allegiance of the Fact Sphere.
Listens:
720
Who:
Core 3
See that?
Listens:
309
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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