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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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Don't shoot!
Listens:
2463
Who:
Turret
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2461
Who:
Core 3
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2438
Who:
Turret
I'm in space.
Listens:
2437
Who:
Core 1
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2432
Who:
GLaDOS
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2427
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2418
Who:
Wheatley
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2416
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2409
Who:
Defective Turret
There you are
Listens:
2408
Who:
Turret
[laughs]
Listens:
2405
Who:
Wheatley
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2398
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2397
Who:
Turret
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2387
Who:
Caroline
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2386
Who:
Core 1
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2377
Who:
Announcer
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2354
Who:
Cave Johnson
Why?
Listens:
2353
Who:
Turret
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2350
Who:
GLaDOS
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2349
Who:
Core 3
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2347
Who:
GLaDOS
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2344
Who:
GLaDOS
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2331
Who:
Core 3
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2327
Who:
Announcer
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2295
Who:
Wheatley
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2285
Who:
Core 2
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2282
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2277
Who:
GLaDOS
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2273
Who:
Wheatley
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2265
Who:
Core 1
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2264
Who:
GLaDOS
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2258
Who:
Wheatley
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2258
Who:
Defective Turret
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2255
Who:
Core 3
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2249
Who:
GLaDOS
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
2245
Who:
Defective Turret
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2244
Who:
Announcer
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2244
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2231
Who:
Cave Johnson
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2230
Who:
Core 1
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2228
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2227
Who:
Core 2
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2221
Who:
GLaDOS
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2221
Who:
Defective Turret
Target aquired.
Listens:
2213
Who:
Turret
Gotcha!
Listens:
2210
Who:
Turret
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
2205
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
2200
Who:
Turret
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2196
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, what?
Listens:
2191
Who:
Wheatley
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2185
Who:
Defective Turret
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2179
Who:
Announcer
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2178
Who:
Wheatley
Whee!
Listens:
2177
Who:
Turret
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2170
Who:
Core 3
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2156
Who:
Wheatley
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2152
Who:
GLaDOS
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2142
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2140
Who:
Core 2
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
2123
Who:
Announcer
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2122
Who:
Defective Turret
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
2118
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2117
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2116
Who:
Caroline
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
2105
Who:
Core 1
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2104
Who:
Wheatley
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
2101
Who:
Cave Johnson
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2085
Who:
Wheatley
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2069
Who:
Announcer
Hi there!
Listens:
2064
Who:
Defective Turret
Ahahaha
Listens:
2063
Who:
Turret
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
2057
Who:
Cave Johnson
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2053
Who:
Turret
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
2052
Who:
Turret
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2043
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me
Listens:
2037
Who:
Turret
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2033
Who:
Wheatley
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2033
Who:
Wheatley
This is not good.
Listens:
2026
Who:
Turret
Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Listens:
2023
Who:
Announcer
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
2019
Who:
Turret
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
2017
Who:
Defective Turret
We're back!
Listens:
2013
Who:
Defective Turret
There you are
Listens:
2009
Who:
Turret
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
2006
Who:
GLaDOS
Coming through!
Listens:
2006
Who:
Turret
Who's there?
Listens:
2003
Who:
Turret
NO.
Listens:
2000
Who:
GLaDOS
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
1998
Who:
Core 3
Blah.
Listens:
1996
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
1995
Who:
Cave Johnson
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
1985
Who:
Core 3
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1980
Who:
Core 2
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
1963
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
1954
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1954
Who:
Wheatley
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1953
Who:
Announcer
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1950
Who:
Wheatley
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1945
Who:
Cave Johnson
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1936
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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