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Portal 2
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Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2450
Who:
Core 3
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2432
Who:
Announcer
I'm in space.
Listens:
2428
Who:
Core 1
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2426
Who:
Turret
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2412
Who:
GLaDOS
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2408
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2408
Who:
Wheatley
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2406
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2404
Who:
Defective Turret
There you are
Listens:
2397
Who:
Turret
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2396
Who:
GLaDOS
[laughs]
Listens:
2389
Who:
Wheatley
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2381
Who:
Caroline
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2379
Who:
Core 1
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2376
Who:
Turret
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2343
Who:
Announcer
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2343
Who:
Core 3
Why?
Listens:
2343
Who:
Turret
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2341
Who:
GLaDOS
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2340
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2332
Who:
Cave Johnson
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2324
Who:
Core 3
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2323
Who:
GLaDOS
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2307
Who:
Announcer
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2287
Who:
Wheatley
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2274
Who:
Core 2
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2261
Who:
Wheatley
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2260
Who:
Core 1
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2259
Who:
GLaDOS
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2255
Who:
Wheatley
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2248
Who:
GLaDOS
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2248
Who:
Defective Turret
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2242
Who:
Core 3
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
2235
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2233
Who:
Defective Turret
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2224
Who:
Announcer
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2224
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2221
Who:
Core 2
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2219
Who:
Core 1
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2216
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2213
Who:
Cave Johnson
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2210
Who:
Defective Turret
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2209
Who:
GLaDOS
Gotcha!
Listens:
2200
Who:
Turret
Target aquired.
Listens:
2197
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2190
Who:
Turret
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2182
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
2179
Who:
Announcer
Sorry, what?
Listens:
2179
Who:
Wheatley
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2175
Who:
Defective Turret
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2168
Who:
Wheatley
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2166
Who:
Wheatley
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2162
Who:
Announcer
Whee!
Listens:
2160
Who:
Turret
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2158
Who:
Core 3
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2138
Who:
Core 2
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2137
Who:
GLaDOS
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2134
Who:
GLaDOS
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2125
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2104
Who:
Caroline
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2101
Who:
Wheatley
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2100
Who:
Defective Turret
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
2098
Who:
Announcer
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
2097
Who:
Wheatley
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
2093
Who:
Core 1
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
2087
Who:
Cave Johnson
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2087
Who:
Wheatley
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2077
Who:
Wheatley
Hi there!
Listens:
2061
Who:
Defective Turret
Ahahaha
Listens:
2053
Who:
Turret
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2051
Who:
Announcer
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2046
Who:
Turret
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
2045
Who:
Turret
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2033
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me
Listens:
2029
Who:
Turret
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
2027
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2018
Who:
Wheatley
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2015
Who:
Wheatley
This is not good.
Listens:
2013
Who:
Turret
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
2012
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
2012
Who:
Turret
We're back!
Listens:
2008
Who:
Defective Turret
Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Listens:
1999
Who:
Announcer
Who's there?
Listens:
1999
Who:
Turret
There you are
Listens:
1998
Who:
Turret
Coming through!
Listens:
1998
Who:
Turret
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
1989
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
1988
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1985
Who:
GLaDOS
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
1981
Who:
Core 3
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
1978
Who:
Core 3
NO.
Listens:
1975
Who:
GLaDOS
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1971
Who:
Core 2
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
1953
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1951
Who:
Wheatley
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
1942
Who:
Cave Johnson
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1931
Who:
Announcer
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1927
Who:
Cave Johnson
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1925
Who:
Wheatley
Noooooo!
Listens:
1925
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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