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You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2586
Who:
GLaDOS
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2582
Who:
Core 3
Crap.
Listens:
2580
Who:
Defective Turret
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2578
Who:
Wheatley
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2573
Who:
Core 3
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2571
Who:
Wheatley
I'm in space.
Listens:
2559
Who:
Core 1
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2545
Who:
Announcer
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2545
Who:
Turret
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2540
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2529
Who:
Turret
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2519
Who:
GLaDOS
[laughs]
Listens:
2515
Who:
Wheatley
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2509
Who:
Turret
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2502
Who:
GLaDOS
There you are
Listens:
2501
Who:
Turret
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2497
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2488
Who:
Caroline
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2485
Who:
Core 1
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2484
Who:
Cave Johnson
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2481
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2480
Who:
Defective Turret
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2479
Who:
Core 3
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2478
Who:
Wheatley
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2474
Who:
Announcer
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
2469
Who:
Announcer
Why?
Listens:
2461
Who:
Turret
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2431
Who:
Core 3
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2410
Who:
Cave Johnson
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2410
Who:
Defective Turret
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2392
Who:
Announcer
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2389
Who:
Wheatley
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2377
Who:
Core 3
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2367
Who:
Core 2
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2362
Who:
Core 2
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2361
Who:
Wheatley
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
2357
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2350
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2345
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2333
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2331
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
2330
Who:
Announcer
Target aquired.
Listens:
2322
Who:
Turret
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2317
Who:
Announcer
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2310
Who:
Core 1
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2310
Who:
GLaDOS
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2304
Who:
Wheatley
Gotcha!
Listens:
2299
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2295
Who:
Turret
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2294
Who:
GLaDOS
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2282
Who:
Core 1
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2281
Who:
Wheatley
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2271
Who:
Defective Turret
Whee!
Listens:
2266
Who:
Turret
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
2264
Who:
Cave Johnson
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2262
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2257
Who:
Wheatley
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2256
Who:
Defective Turret
Sorry, what?
Listens:
2253
Who:
Wheatley
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
2249
Who:
GLaDOS
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2240
Who:
Core 3
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2239
Who:
Announcer
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2233
Who:
GLaDOS
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2230
Who:
Wheatley
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2230
Who:
Defective Turret
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
2221
Who:
Wheatley
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
2213
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2213
Who:
Core 2
Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Listens:
2200
Who:
Announcer
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2195
Who:
Wheatley
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2173
Who:
Wheatley
This is not good.
Listens:
2171
Who:
Turret
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2165
Who:
Caroline
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2163
Who:
Wheatley
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
2151
Who:
Wheatley
Hi there!
Listens:
2146
Who:
Defective Turret
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
2143
Who:
Core 1
Ahahaha
Listens:
2135
Who:
Turret
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2119
Who:
Announcer
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2115
Who:
Wheatley
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
2115
Who:
Turret
NO.
Listens:
2108
Who:
GLaDOS
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
2100
Who:
Turret
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
2099
Who:
Core 2
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2096
Who:
Turret
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
2094
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
2094
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
2091
Who:
GLaDOS
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
2085
Who:
Wheatley
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
2084
Who:
Turret
Who's there?
Listens:
2083
Who:
Turret
We're back!
Listens:
2082
Who:
Defective Turret
Excuse me
Listens:
2082
Who:
Turret
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
2080
Who:
Wheatley
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
2075
Who:
Cave Johnson
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
2071
Who:
Cave Johnson
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2071
Who:
Wheatley
Coming through!
Listens:
2071
Who:
Turret
There you are
Listens:
2069
Who:
Turret
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
2066
Who:
Defective Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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