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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2613
Who:
GLaDOS
Crap.
Listens:
2613
Who:
Defective Turret
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2605
Who:
Core 3
Hello?
Listens:
2605
Who:
Turret
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2596
Who:
Wheatley
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2593
Who:
Announcer
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2588
Who:
Core 3
I'm in space.
Listens:
2580
Who:
Core 1
[laughs]
Listens:
2563
Who:
Wheatley
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2562
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2562
Who:
Turret
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2545
Who:
Turret
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2535
Who:
GLaDOS
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2524
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2523
Who:
Turret
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
2516
Who:
Announcer
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2515
Who:
GLaDOS
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2512
Who:
GLaDOS
There you are
Listens:
2512
Who:
Turret
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2511
Who:
Wheatley
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2505
Who:
Cave Johnson
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2504
Who:
Core 3
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2500
Who:
Caroline
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2494
Who:
Announcer
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2493
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2490
Who:
Defective Turret
Why?
Listens:
2473
Who:
Turret
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2455
Who:
Cave Johnson
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2444
Who:
Core 3
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2436
Who:
Announcer
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2431
Who:
Defective Turret
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2414
Who:
Wheatley
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2403
Who:
Core 3
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
2401
Who:
Announcer
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2387
Who:
Core 2
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2381
Who:
Core 2
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2373
Who:
Wheatley
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2372
Who:
Defective Turret
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
2370
Who:
Defective Turret
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2368
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2367
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2360
Who:
GLaDOS
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2344
Who:
Announcer
Target aquired.
Listens:
2331
Who:
Turret
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2322
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2319
Who:
GLaDOS
Gotcha!
Listens:
2318
Who:
Turret
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2315
Who:
Core 1
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2313
Who:
Wheatley
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
2311
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
2308
Who:
Turret
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2304
Who:
Wheatley
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2290
Who:
Defective Turret
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2284
Who:
Core 1
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2282
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2275
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2275
Who:
Wheatley
Whee!
Listens:
2274
Who:
Turret
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2269
Who:
Core 3
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
2269
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2266
Who:
Defective Turret
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2263
Who:
Announcer
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2263
Who:
Defective Turret
Sorry, what?
Listens:
2261
Who:
Wheatley
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
2253
Who:
Turret
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2249
Who:
Wheatley
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2243
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
2243
Who:
Wheatley
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
2242
Who:
Wheatley
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
2235
Who:
Cave Johnson
Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Listens:
2230
Who:
Announcer
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2228
Who:
Core 2
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2220
Who:
Wheatley
This is not good.
Listens:
2185
Who:
Turret
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2175
Who:
Caroline
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2175
Who:
Wheatley
Hi there!
Listens:
2161
Who:
Defective Turret
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
2151
Who:
Core 1
Ahahaha
Listens:
2145
Who:
Turret
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2143
Who:
Announcer
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
2142
Who:
Wheatley
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
2141
Who:
Core 2
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
2129
Who:
Turret
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
2127
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2127
Who:
Wheatley
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
2122
Who:
Cave Johnson
NO.
Listens:
2116
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
2109
Who:
Wheatley
We're back!
Listens:
2105
Who:
Defective Turret
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2104
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2102
Who:
Turret
Blah.
Listens:
2099
Who:
GLaDOS
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
2097
Who:
Cave Johnson
Who's there?
Listens:
2090
Who:
Turret
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
2090
Who:
Turret
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
2086
Who:
Cave Johnson
Excuse me
Listens:
2086
Who:
Turret
Coming through!
Listens:
2080
Who:
Turret
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
2078
Who:
Announcer
There you are
Listens:
2078
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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