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Portal 2
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Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
2078
Who:
Defective Turret
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
2062
Who:
Core 3
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
2061
Who:
Cave Johnson
Noooooo!
Listens:
2061
Who:
Turret
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
2059
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
2056
Who:
Wheatley
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
2039
Who:
Wheatley
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
2037
Who:
Core 3
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
2037
Who:
GLaDOS
Here we go! Now do it again!
Listens:
2031
Who:
Wheatley
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
2026
Who:
GLaDOS
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
2022
Who:
Wheatley
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
2019
Who:
GLaDOS
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
2013
Who:
GLaDOS
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
2011
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
2010
Who:
GLaDOS
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
2008
Who:
GLaDOS
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
2007
Who:
Cave Johnson
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1997
Who:
GLaDOS
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1993
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1988
Who:
Core 2
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1986
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1985
Who:
Core 1
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1968
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1963
Who:
Caroline
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1961
Who:
Wheatley
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1957
Who:
Announcer
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1944
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolved.
Listens:
1940
Who:
Announcer
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1940
Who:
GLaDOS
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1940
Who:
GLaDOS
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1940
Who:
Wheatley
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1939
Who:
GLaDOS
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1935
Who:
Core 1
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1932
Who:
Core 3
Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Listens:
1929
Who:
Announcer
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1928
Who:
GLaDOS
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1927
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1925
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm in space.
Listens:
1921
Who:
Core 1
Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her.
Listens:
1905
Who:
Cave Johnson
Unknown error
Listens:
1905
Who:
Turret
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1901
Who:
Wheatley
Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Listens:
1899
Who:
Core 1
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1897
Who:
Core 1
Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
Listens:
1892
Who:
GLaDOS
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1890
Who:
Wheatley
This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Listens:
1878
Who:
Core 3
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1878
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh thank god, you're alright.
Listens:
1874
Who:
GLaDOS
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1872
Who:
Cave Johnson
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1872
Who:
Cave Johnson
That's not funny.
Listens:
1872
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1868
Who:
Wheatley
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1868
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1861
Who:
GLaDOS
Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Listens:
1857
Who:
Cave Johnson
Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Listens:
1853
Who:
Wheatley
[humming]
Listens:
1847
Who:
Core 1
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1845
Who:
Core 3
Blue
Listens:
1825
Who:
GLaDOS
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1820
Who:
Caroline
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1818
Who:
GLaDOS
She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Listens:
1817
Who:
Cave Johnson
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Listens:
1809
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1803
Who:
GLaDOS
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1800
Who:
Wheatley
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Listens:
1798
Who:
GLaDOS
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1798
Who:
GLaDOS
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1795
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Space.
Listens:
1784
Who:
Core 1
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1769
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1764
Who:
GLaDOS
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1758
Who:
Announcer
Hello there!
Listens:
1758
Who:
Defective Turret
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1756
Who:
Wheatley
Earth.
Listens:
1753
Who:
Core 1
So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Listens:
1745
Who:
Cave Johnson
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1743
Who:
Core 3
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1737
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1732
Who:
Core 2
Failure...
Listens:
1728
Who:
Turret
This time is OUR time.
Listens:
1727
Who:
Defective Turret
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1720
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1713
Who:
GLaDOS
Die!
Listens:
1708
Who:
Defective Turret
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1702
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1697
Who:
Announcer
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Listens:
1697
Who:
Core 3
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1696
Who:
Announcer
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
Listens:
1688
Who:
GLaDOS
Space!
Listens:
1687
Who:
Core 1
I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1686
Who:
GLaDOS
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1684
Who:
Core 1
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1681
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on living. What's your view on that?
Listens:
1679
Who:
Wheatley
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Cave Johnson
This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Defective Turret
Dispensing product
Listens:
1676
Who:
Turret
Ah!
Listens:
1674
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
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