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I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3455
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3437
Who:
Wheatley
These things happen.
Listens:
3427
Who:
Turret
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3425
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3409
Who:
Turret
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3393
Who:
Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3369
Who:
Core 1
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3369
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3359
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3328
Who:
Announcer
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3313
Who:
Defective Turret
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3305
Who:
Turret
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3301
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3297
Who:
GLaDOS
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3286
Who:
Core 1
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3275
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3256
Who:
Turret
Nap time
Listens:
3253
Who:
Turret
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3249
Who:
Core 2
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3244
Who:
Wheatley
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3226
Who:
Announcer
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3198
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3187
Who:
Defective Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3183
Who:
Cave Johnson
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3176
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye!
Listens:
3174
Who:
Turret
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3169
Who:
GLaDOS
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3137
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3116
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3084
Who:
Core 1
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3069
Who:
Core 3
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3063
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3063
Who:
Core 1
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3058
Who:
Caroline
Awwww
Listens:
3023
Who:
Turret
I am!
Listens:
3022
Who:
Caroline
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3021
Who:
Core 3
Template
Listens:
2990
Who:
Announcer
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2984
Who:
Core 1
Deploying
Listens:
2973
Who:
Turret
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
2951
Who:
Announcer
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2951
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2946
Who:
Announcer
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2942
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2925
Who:
Core 3
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2915
Who:
Turret
Good!
Listens:
2909
Who:
Announcer
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2907
Who:
Core 3
She is a gem.
Listens:
2896
Who:
Cave Johnson
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2893
Who:
Wheatley
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2888
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
2885
Who:
Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2875
Who:
Wheatley
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2871
Who:
Announcer
Space!
Listens:
2846
Who:
Core 1
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2844
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
2843
Who:
Defective Turret
I see you
Listens:
2837
Who:
Turret
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2832
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2826
Who:
Wheatley
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2819
Who:
Announcer
Sorry
Listens:
2804
Who:
Turret
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2795
Who:
Wheatley
Why...
Listens:
2791
Who:
Turret
It burns.
Listens:
2778
Who:
Turret
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2723
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2723
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
2720
Who:
Announcer
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2713
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god.
Listens:
2705
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello!
Listens:
2702
Who:
Wheatley
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2700
Who:
Core 1
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2696
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2693
Who:
Wheatley
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2684
Who:
Core 1
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2667
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2661
Who:
Defective Turret
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2620
Who:
Announcer
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2606
Who:
Core 3
Activated
Listens:
2592
Who:
Turret
That isn't science.
Listens:
2570
Who:
GLaDOS
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2570
Who:
Turret
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2567
Who:
Wheatley
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2559
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2538
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2535
Who:
Core 1
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2533
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2528
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
2521
Who:
Turret
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2518
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2513
Who:
GLaDOS
We're in space!
Listens:
2510
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2506
Who:
Wheatley
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2505
Who:
Wheatley
Crap.
Listens:
2505
Who:
Defective Turret
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2502
Who:
GLaDOS
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2501
Who:
Core 3
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2497
Who:
Cave Johnson
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2491
Who:
Announcer
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2490
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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