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I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3604
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3576
Who:
GLaDOS
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3569
Who:
GLaDOS
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3562
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3555
Who:
Wheatley
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3540
Who:
Announcer
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3534
Who:
Turret
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3532
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3508
Who:
Turret
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3507
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
3496
Who:
Turret
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3481
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye!
Listens:
3478
Who:
Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3467
Who:
Core 1
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3450
Who:
Turret
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3441
Who:
Defective Turret
Nap time
Listens:
3438
Who:
Turret
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3394
Who:
Wheatley
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3392
Who:
Core 1
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3384
Who:
Core 2
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3370
Who:
Announcer
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3368
Who:
Cave Johnson
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3363
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3363
Who:
Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3355
Who:
Cave Johnson
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3348
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3324
Who:
Defective Turret
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
3258
Who:
Announcer
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3238
Who:
Wheatley
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3235
Who:
Cave Johnson
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3233
Who:
Wheatley
Template
Listens:
3222
Who:
Announcer
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3192
Who:
Core 3
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3152
Who:
Caroline
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3148
Who:
Core 1
I am!
Listens:
3147
Who:
Caroline
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3139
Who:
Core 1
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3128
Who:
Core 3
Awwww
Listens:
3114
Who:
Turret
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
3113
Who:
Announcer
She is a gem.
Listens:
3110
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good!
Listens:
3099
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
3090
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
3074
Who:
Turret
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
3072
Who:
Wheatley
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
3062
Who:
GLaDOS
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
3059
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
3055
Who:
Wheatley
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3044
Who:
Core 3
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
3027
Who:
Core 1
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
3009
Who:
Announcer
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
3006
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2998
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2984
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2971
Who:
Core 3
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2967
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2959
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
2958
Who:
Turret
Hello.
Listens:
2941
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2932
Who:
Wheatley
Space!
Listens:
2908
Who:
Core 1
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2892
Who:
GLaDOS
It burns.
Listens:
2876
Who:
Turret
Oh my god.
Listens:
2874
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2862
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2862
Who:
Wheatley
Response
Listens:
2860
Who:
Announcer
Why...
Listens:
2856
Who:
Turret
Hello!
Listens:
2851
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry
Listens:
2849
Who:
Turret
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2833
Who:
GLaDOS
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2818
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2812
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2802
Who:
Cave Johnson
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2798
Who:
Announcer
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2778
Who:
Core 1
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2758
Who:
Core 1
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2757
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2744
Who:
Defective Turret
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2727
Who:
Announcer
Activated
Listens:
2709
Who:
Turret
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2699
Who:
Core 3
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2688
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2676
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2667
Who:
Announcer
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2662
Who:
Turret
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2652
Who:
Wheatley
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2647
Who:
Wheatley
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2641
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2641
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2637
Who:
Cave Johnson
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2633
Who:
Announcer
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2632
Who:
Wheatley
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2631
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
2628
Who:
GLaDOS
We're in space!
Listens:
2619
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2615
Who:
Core 1
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2604
Who:
GLaDOS
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2602
Who:
Cave Johnson
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2599
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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