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Portal 2
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TF2 Music
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I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3632
Who:
GLaDOS
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3627
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3604
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3592
Who:
Wheatley
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3591
Who:
Announcer
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3591
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3568
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3553
Who:
Turret
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3529
Who:
GLaDOS
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3525
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3522
Who:
Turret
These things happen.
Listens:
3509
Who:
Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
3502
Who:
Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3478
Who:
Core 1
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3469
Who:
Turret
Nap time
Listens:
3465
Who:
Turret
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3454
Who:
Defective Turret
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3430
Who:
Wheatley
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
3423
Who:
Announcer
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3415
Who:
Cave Johnson
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3403
Who:
Core 1
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3402
Who:
Wheatley
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3400
Who:
Core 2
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3396
Who:
Turret
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3391
Who:
Announcer
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3385
Who:
Cave Johnson
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3360
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3335
Who:
Defective Turret
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3282
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3267
Who:
Wheatley
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3258
Who:
Cave Johnson
Template
Listens:
3251
Who:
Announcer
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3227
Who:
Core 3
I am!
Listens:
3168
Who:
Caroline
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
3163
Who:
Announcer
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3161
Who:
Caroline
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3155
Who:
Core 1
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3152
Who:
Core 1
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3149
Who:
Core 3
She is a gem.
Listens:
3148
Who:
Cave Johnson
Awwww
Listens:
3130
Who:
Turret
Good!
Listens:
3126
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
3122
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
3110
Who:
Wheatley
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
3102
Who:
Wheatley
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
3087
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
3087
Who:
Turret
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
3077
Who:
GLaDOS
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
3074
Who:
Announcer
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3064
Who:
Core 3
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
3035
Who:
Core 1
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
3017
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
3006
Who:
Turret
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
3002
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
2997
Who:
Turret
I see you
Listens:
2997
Who:
Turret
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2995
Who:
Wheatley
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2979
Who:
Core 3
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2979
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
2956
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2943
Who:
Wheatley
Space!
Listens:
2922
Who:
Core 1
Oh my god.
Listens:
2890
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2885
Who:
Wheatley
Response
Listens:
2884
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2883
Who:
GLaDOS
It burns.
Listens:
2883
Who:
Turret
Hello!
Listens:
2874
Who:
Wheatley
Why...
Listens:
2869
Who:
Turret
Sorry
Listens:
2858
Who:
Turret
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2852
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2847
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2842
Who:
Announcer
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2832
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2829
Who:
Wheatley
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2786
Who:
Core 1
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2767
Who:
Core 1
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2765
Who:
GLaDOS
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2760
Who:
Announcer
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2752
Who:
Defective Turret
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2726
Who:
Core 3
Activated
Listens:
2718
Who:
Turret
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2709
Who:
GLaDOS
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2702
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2691
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2690
Who:
Announcer
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2685
Who:
Wheatley
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2680
Who:
Wheatley
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2680
Who:
Turret
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2679
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2669
Who:
Announcer
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2662
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2659
Who:
Wheatley
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2656
Who:
Wheatley
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2654
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2642
Who:
GLaDOS
That isn't science.
Listens:
2638
Who:
GLaDOS
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2631
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're in space!
Listens:
2631
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2622
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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