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I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3254
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3249
Who:
Core 1
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3228
Who:
Cave Johnson
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3180
Who:
Core 1
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3163
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup complete.
Listens:
3155
Who:
Announcer
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3150
Who:
GLaDOS
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
3148
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3140
Who:
Turret
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3136
Who:
Turret
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3128
Who:
Core 2
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3124
Who:
GLaDOS
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3112
Who:
Turret
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3105
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3097
Who:
Announcer
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3092
Who:
Defective Turret
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3091
Who:
Wheatley
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3080
Who:
Wheatley
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3078
Who:
Announcer
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3046
Who:
Turret
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3028
Who:
Cave Johnson
Nap time
Listens:
3022
Who:
Turret
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3005
Who:
Defective Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2985
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2981
Who:
Core 1
Goodbye!
Listens:
2972
Who:
Turret
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2953
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2951
Who:
Wheatley
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2944
Who:
Core 1
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2930
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2929
Who:
Caroline
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2920
Who:
Wheatley
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2893
Who:
Core 3
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2886
Who:
GLaDOS
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2876
Who:
Core 1
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2816
Who:
GLaDOS
Deploying
Listens:
2803
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2798
Who:
Core 3
Awwww
Listens:
2797
Who:
Turret
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2785
Who:
Core 3
I am!
Listens:
2783
Who:
Caroline
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2779
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2737
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2736
Who:
Announcer
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2724
Who:
Cave Johnson
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2715
Who:
Wheatley
Space!
Listens:
2713
Who:
Core 1
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2703
Who:
Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2701
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2697
Who:
Turret
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2690
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2683
Who:
Wheatley
Template
Listens:
2676
Who:
Announcer
I see you
Listens:
2676
Who:
Turret
Sorry
Listens:
2662
Who:
Turret
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2654
Who:
GLaDOS
Good!
Listens:
2651
Who:
Announcer
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2639
Who:
Announcer
Hello.
Listens:
2628
Who:
Defective Turret
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2615
Who:
Announcer
Why...
Listens:
2604
Who:
Turret
It burns.
Listens:
2595
Who:
Turret
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2592
Who:
Core 1
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2587
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2566
Who:
Wheatley
She is a gem.
Listens:
2559
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2552
Who:
Core 1
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2541
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god.
Listens:
2539
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2538
Who:
Wheatley
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
2531
Who:
Announcer
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2521
Who:
Wheatley
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2518
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2498
Who:
Defective Turret
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2492
Who:
Cave Johnson
Response
Listens:
2458
Who:
Announcer
That isn't science.
Listens:
2458
Who:
GLaDOS
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2452
Who:
Core 1
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2449
Who:
Core 3
Activated
Listens:
2449
Who:
Turret
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2422
Who:
Core 3
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2419
Who:
Announcer
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2407
Who:
Turret
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2399
Who:
Wheatley
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2383
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2377
Who:
Turret
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2374
Who:
Cave Johnson
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2374
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2366
Who:
Announcer
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2366
Who:
Core 3
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2356
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2354
Who:
Wheatley
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2353
Who:
Wheatley
We're in space!
Listens:
2352
Who:
Wheatley
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2351
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2330
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello!
Listens:
2325
Who:
Wheatley
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2323
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2322
Who:
Announcer
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2316
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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