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Portal 2
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In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1579
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dispensing product
Listens:
1574
Who:
Turret
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Listens:
1573
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1569
Who:
Turret
Blah.
Listens:
1568
Who:
GLaDOS
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1568
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
Listens:
1567
Who:
Wheatley
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1567
Who:
Wheatley
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1557
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1555
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1552
Who:
Caroline
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1551
Who:
Wheatley
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1550
Who:
Core 3
There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1549
Who:
Core 1
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1546
Who:
Announcer
It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize.'
Listens:
1546
Who:
Core 3
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1545
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1545
Who:
Defective Turret
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
Listens:
1541
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1538
Who:
Cave Johnson
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1535
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1534
Who:
GLaDOS
Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to SPACE.
Listens:
1528
Who:
Core 1
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1527
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1524
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1523
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1521
Who:
GLaDOS
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1521
Who:
Wheatley
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1518
Who:
Announcer
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1516
Who:
GLaDOS
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1510
Who:
Core 3
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1496
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1490
Who:
Cave Johnson
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1489
Who:
Core 1
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1488
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1483
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1480
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady.
Listens:
1466
Who:
Core 1
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1465
Who:
Announcer
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1464
Who:
Core 3
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1463
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1445
Who:
Core 2
Blah.
Listens:
1444
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1442
Who:
Wheatley
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1431
Who:
Wheatley
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1429
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1428
Who:
Wheatley
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1426
Who:
Announcer
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1426
Who:
Defective Turret
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1420
Who:
GLaDOS
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1417
Who:
Core 3
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1417
Who:
GLaDOS
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1415
Who:
Core 3
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1413
Who:
GLaDOS
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1413
Who:
GLaDOS
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1411
Who:
GLaDOS
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1409
Who:
GLaDOS
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
1408
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1407
Who:
Announcer
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1403
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1401
Who:
GLaDOS
GAAAA!
Listens:
1399
Who:
Wheatley
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1395
Who:
Wheatley
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1393
Who:
Core 1
Ahh!
Listens:
1387
Who:
Turret
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1385
Who:
Caroline
New template accepted.
Listens:
1382
Who:
Announcer
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1382
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1377
Who:
Caroline
Owwwww!
Listens:
1375
Who:
Turret
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1373
Who:
Wheatley
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1372
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1370
Who:
Wheatley
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1367
Who:
Wheatley
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1364
Who:
Wheatley
Um, hello?
Listens:
1363
Who:
Turret
Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Listens:
1359
Who:
Announcer
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1359
Who:
Wheatley
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1357
Who:
Core 2
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1355
Who:
Core 2
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1354
Who:
Caroline
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1352
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1350
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1347
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Listens:
1345
Who:
Defective Turret
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1344
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1343
Who:
Defective Turret
Help! Being squished!
Listens:
1343
Who:
Turret
Press the button!
Listens:
1342
Who:
GLaDOS
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
1340
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Anyone in there?
Listens:
1340
Who:
Wheatley
There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it.
Listens:
1339
Who:
Announcer
Self test error
Listens:
1336
Who:
Turret
What do you think?
Listens:
1332
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
1332
Who:
Defective Turret
Sir!
Listens:
1331
Who:
Caroline
I'm not defective!
Listens:
1331
Who:
Defective Turret
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
1330
Who:
GLaDOS
I am!
Listens:
1328
Who:
Caroline
Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
Listens:
1328
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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