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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1671
Who:
Defective Turret
One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear.
Listens:
1666
Who:
GLaDOS
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1661
Who:
Cave Johnson
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1661
Who:
GLaDOS
The square root of rope is string.
Listens:
1659
Who:
Core 3
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1654
Who:
Core 3
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1654
Who:
Turret
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1653
Who:
Caroline
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Listens:
1652
Who:
GLaDOS
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1650
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1649
Who:
GLaDOS
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1648
Who:
GLaDOS
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1647
Who:
GLaDOS
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1643
Who:
Core 1
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1641
Who:
Defective Turret
You are about to get me killed.
Listens:
1640
Who:
Core 3
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1639
Who:
Wheatley
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1638
Who:
GLaDOS
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1637
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1637
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1633
Who:
Turret
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1632
Who:
Announcer
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1628
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1628
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1628
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
Listens:
1628
Who:
Wheatley
There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1624
Who:
Core 1
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1624
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1622
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1611
Who:
GLaDOS
It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize.'
Listens:
1609
Who:
Core 3
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1608
Who:
Core 3
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1608
Who:
GLaDOS
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1591
Who:
Announcer
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1589
Who:
Wheatley
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1588
Who:
Core 1
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
1582
Who:
GLaDOS
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1579
Who:
GLaDOS
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1569
Who:
GLaDOS
Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to SPACE.
Listens:
1562
Who:
Core 1
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1560
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1556
Who:
Announcer
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1555
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1550
Who:
Wheatley
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1548
Who:
Wheatley
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
1545
Who:
GLaDOS
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1544
Who:
Announcer
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1529
Who:
Core 3
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1526
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1524
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1523
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1522
Who:
Core 2
Hey lady.
Listens:
1520
Who:
Core 1
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1513
Who:
GLaDOS
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1512
Who:
Cave Johnson
There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it.
Listens:
1508
Who:
Announcer
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1506
Who:
Wheatley
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1505
Who:
Defective Turret
Blah.
Listens:
1500
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1500
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1499
Who:
Caroline
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1493
Who:
Wheatley
Self test error
Listens:
1490
Who:
Turret
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1489
Who:
Wheatley
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1486
Who:
Core 3
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1485
Who:
GLaDOS
GAAAA!
Listens:
1485
Who:
Wheatley
Please return to the core transfer bay.
Listens:
1480
Who:
Announcer
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1480
Who:
Core 3
So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death trap and more a death option for you.
Listens:
1478
Who:
Wheatley
I'm not defective!
Listens:
1472
Who:
Defective Turret
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1471
Who:
Wheatley
Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Listens:
1469
Who:
Announcer
Ahh!
Listens:
1464
Who:
Turret
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1460
Who:
Core 1
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1457
Who:
GLaDOS
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1452
Who:
Caroline
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1446
Who:
GLaDOS
Owwwww!
Listens:
1446
Who:
Turret
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1444
Who:
GLaDOS
Please put me down
Listens:
1444
Who:
Turret
New template accepted.
Listens:
1441
Who:
Announcer
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1441
Who:
Caroline
Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal.
Listens:
1440
Who:
GLaDOS
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1438
Who:
Core 2
Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
Listens:
1437
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Anyone in there?
Listens:
1437
Who:
Wheatley
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1435
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
1435
Who:
Defective Turret
Blah.
Listens:
1434
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that.
Listens:
1433
Who:
GLaDOS
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
1430
Who:
GLaDOS
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
1428
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge.
Listens:
1428
Who:
GLaDOS
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1428
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1426
Who:
Wheatley
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1425
Who:
Core 2
Um, hello?
Listens:
1425
Who:
Turret
The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Listens:
1424
Who:
Core 3
AHH!
Listens:
1424
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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