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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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The end.
Listens:
1674
Who:
GLaDOS
One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear.
Listens:
1669
Who:
GLaDOS
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1667
Who:
Cave Johnson
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1663
Who:
Turret
The square root of rope is string.
Listens:
1662
Who:
Core 3
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1662
Who:
GLaDOS
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1657
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1655
Who:
Caroline
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1655
Who:
Core 3
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Listens:
1653
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1652
Who:
GLaDOS
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1651
Who:
GLaDOS
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1649
Who:
GLaDOS
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1645
Who:
Core 1
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1644
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1644
Who:
Defective Turret
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1642
Who:
Wheatley
You are about to get me killed.
Listens:
1641
Who:
Core 3
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1639
Who:
Defective Turret
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1637
Who:
Wheatley
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1635
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1634
Who:
Turret
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1633
Who:
Announcer
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1633
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
Listens:
1631
Who:
Wheatley
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1630
Who:
GLaDOS
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1630
Who:
GLaDOS
There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1627
Who:
Core 1
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1624
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1617
Who:
GLaDOS
It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize.'
Listens:
1612
Who:
Core 3
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1612
Who:
GLaDOS
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1609
Who:
Core 3
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1594
Who:
Wheatley
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1593
Who:
Announcer
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1591
Who:
Core 1
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
1585
Who:
GLaDOS
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1580
Who:
GLaDOS
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1574
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1566
Who:
Announcer
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1564
Who:
GLaDOS
Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to SPACE.
Listens:
1563
Who:
Core 1
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1556
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
1553
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1552
Who:
Wheatley
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1549
Who:
Announcer
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1549
Who:
Wheatley
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1536
Who:
Core 3
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1527
Who:
Cave Johnson
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1527
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1525
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1524
Who:
Core 2
Hey lady.
Listens:
1521
Who:
Core 1
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1516
Who:
GLaDOS
There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it.
Listens:
1514
Who:
Announcer
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1512
Who:
Cave Johnson
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1510
Who:
Defective Turret
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1506
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1502
Who:
Caroline
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1502
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1501
Who:
GLaDOS
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1498
Who:
Wheatley
Self test error
Listens:
1492
Who:
Turret
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1490
Who:
Wheatley
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1487
Who:
Core 3
So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death trap and more a death option for you.
Listens:
1487
Who:
Wheatley
GAAAA!
Listens:
1487
Who:
Wheatley
Please return to the core transfer bay.
Listens:
1485
Who:
Announcer
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1485
Who:
GLaDOS
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1483
Who:
Core 3
I'm not defective!
Listens:
1477
Who:
Defective Turret
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1475
Who:
Wheatley
Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Listens:
1473
Who:
Announcer
Ahh!
Listens:
1465
Who:
Turret
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1461
Who:
Core 1
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1458
Who:
GLaDOS
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1453
Who:
Caroline
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1450
Who:
GLaDOS
Please put me down
Listens:
1448
Who:
Turret
Owwwww!
Listens:
1446
Who:
Turret
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1445
Who:
Caroline
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1445
Who:
GLaDOS
Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
Listens:
1443
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Anyone in there?
Listens:
1443
Who:
Wheatley
New template accepted.
Listens:
1442
Who:
Announcer
Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal.
Listens:
1442
Who:
GLaDOS
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1439
Who:
Core 2
Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that.
Listens:
1437
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1437
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
1436
Who:
Defective Turret
Blah.
Listens:
1434
Who:
GLaDOS
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
1433
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge.
Listens:
1431
Who:
GLaDOS
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1430
Who:
GLaDOS
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
1429
Who:
GLaDOS
The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Listens:
1428
Who:
Core 3
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1428
Who:
Wheatley
Um, hello?
Listens:
1428
Who:
Turret
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1426
Who:
Core 2
Press the button!
Listens:
1426
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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