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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1483
Who:
Turret
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1479
Who:
Core 3
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1477
Who:
Cave Johnson
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1477
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1477
Who:
GLaDOS
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
Listens:
1476
Who:
GLaDOS
There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1475
Who:
Core 1
Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to SPACE.
Listens:
1473
Who:
Core 1
It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize.'
Listens:
1472
Who:
Core 3
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1469
Who:
GLaDOS
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1469
Who:
Wheatley
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1468
Who:
GLaDOS
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1467
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1465
Who:
Defective Turret
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1460
Who:
Announcer
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1460
Who:
Turret
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1458
Who:
GLaDOS
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1457
Who:
GLaDOS
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1454
Who:
Wheatley
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1452
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1451
Who:
GLaDOS
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1447
Who:
Wheatley
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1446
Who:
Core 3
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1445
Who:
Caroline
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1445
Who:
GLaDOS
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1438
Who:
Announcer
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1438
Who:
Announcer
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1437
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1436
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1428
Who:
GLaDOS
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1425
Who:
Announcer
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1421
Who:
Cave Johnson
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1421
Who:
GLaDOS
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1413
Who:
Core 1
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1412
Who:
Core 3
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1412
Who:
Core 2
Hey lady.
Listens:
1409
Who:
Core 1
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1405
Who:
Wheatley
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1405
Who:
Wheatley
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1403
Who:
GLaDOS
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1396
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1392
Who:
Wheatley
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1383
Who:
Announcer
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1370
Who:
Core 3
Blah.
Listens:
1362
Who:
GLaDOS
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1360
Who:
GLaDOS
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1357
Who:
GLaDOS
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1356
Who:
Core 3
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1350
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1349
Who:
Wheatley
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1346
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1343
Who:
Core 1
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1338
Who:
Wheatley
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1337
Who:
GLaDOS
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1337
Who:
Defective Turret
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1335
Who:
GLaDOS
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1328
Who:
Core 2
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1320
Who:
Wheatley
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1318
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1317
Who:
Wheatley
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1316
Who:
Announcer
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1311
Who:
Announcer
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1310
Who:
Wheatley
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1310
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1308
Who:
Wheatley
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1305
Who:
Core 2
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1302
Who:
Caroline
Ahh!
Listens:
1302
Who:
Turret
Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Listens:
1300
Who:
Defective Turret
Owwwww!
Listens:
1300
Who:
Turret
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1299
Who:
GLaDOS
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1296
Who:
Wheatley
GAAAA!
Listens:
1291
Who:
Wheatley
Um, hello?
Listens:
1289
Who:
Turret
New template accepted.
Listens:
1288
Who:
Announcer
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1288
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1288
Who:
Defective Turret
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1287
Who:
Wheatley
What do you think?
Listens:
1279
Who:
Wheatley
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1279
Who:
Wheatley
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1279
Who:
Wheatley
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1277
Who:
Cave Johnson
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1272
Who:
Caroline
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1270
Who:
Caroline
Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Listens:
1269
Who:
Announcer
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1269
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
1269
Who:
Defective Turret
I am!
Listens:
1268
Who:
Caroline
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1266
Who:
GLaDOS
Press the button!
Listens:
1266
Who:
GLaDOS
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
1266
Who:
GLaDOS
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1265
Who:
GLaDOS
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1265
Who:
GLaDOS
Shootin' blanks every time, ALL the time.
Listens:
1265
Who:
Defective Turret
Self test error
Listens:
1265
Who:
Turret
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1264
Who:
GLaDOS
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
1264
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir!
Listens:
1263
Who:
Caroline
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1263
Who:
Core 3
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1263
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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