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You know what I hope's in space? Fire. I hope you go to space and catch on fire.
Listens:
5486
Who:
Core 2
I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them.
Listens:
5472
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
5422
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
5403
Who:
GLaDOS
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
5376
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
5350
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
5335
Who:
Announcer
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
5315
Who:
Announcer
Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
5229
Who:
Core 1
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
5208
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
5139
Who:
Announcer
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
5088
Who:
Turret
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
5080
Who:
GLaDOS
Hooray!
Listens:
5072
Who:
Turret
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
5036
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
5003
Who:
Turret
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4998
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
4967
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4962
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4919
Who:
GLaDOS
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
4888
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
4874
Who:
Wheatley
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4824
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4811
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4749
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
4747
Who:
Turret
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
4731
Who:
Announcer
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
4728
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
4689
Who:
Announcer
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
4565
Who:
Announcer
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4520
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
4504
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4500
Who:
Wheatley
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4493
Who:
Core 3
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
4469
Who:
Defective Turret
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4423
Who:
Core 3
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
4421
Who:
Announcer
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
4419
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
4401
Who:
GLaDOS
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
4382
Who:
Turret
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
4380
Who:
Announcer
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
4369
Who:
Cave Johnson
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
4332
Who:
GLaDOS
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
4324
Who:
Turret
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
4323
Who:
GLaDOS
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
4322
Who:
Wheatley
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4301
Who:
Wheatley
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
4292
Who:
Core 2
Hello.
Listens:
4256
Who:
Turret
AH!
Listens:
4243
Who:
Wheatley
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
4231
Who:
Core 3
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
4207
Who:
GLaDOS
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
4200
Who:
Defective Turret
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
4179
Who:
Wheatley
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
4157
Who:
Announcer
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
4156
Who:
Core 1
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
4155
Who:
GLaDOS
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
4134
Who:
Wheatley
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
4050
Who:
Announcer
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
4049
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
4004
Who:
Core 1
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3998
Who:
Core 1
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3998
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3986
Who:
Announcer
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3981
Who:
Core 2
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3980
Who:
Wheatley
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3977
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3963
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir!
Listens:
3954
Who:
Caroline
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3952
Who:
Wheatley
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
3939
Who:
Announcer
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3932
Who:
Defective Turret
Target lost
Listens:
3920
Who:
Turret
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3912
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3907
Who:
Defective Turret
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
3886
Who:
Turret
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3875
Who:
Cave Johnson
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3874
Who:
Wheatley
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3868
Who:
Core 1
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3866
Who:
Defective Turret
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3815
Who:
GLaDOS
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3772
Who:
Core 2
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
3769
Who:
GLaDOS
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3754
Who:
Wheatley
Powerup complete.
Listens:
3751
Who:
Announcer
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3733
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3720
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3709
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3709
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3690
Who:
Cave Johnson
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
3679
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3671
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3656
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3645
Who:
Cave Johnson
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3634
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3627
Who:
Defective Turret
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3612
Who:
Turret
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
3596
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
3589
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3571
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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