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Stop it!
Listens:
5013
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
4970
Who:
Wheatley
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4915
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4903
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
4898
Who:
Core 1
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
4834
Who:
GLaDOS
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4719
Who:
Wheatley
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
4704
Who:
Announcer
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
4671
Who:
Turret
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4643
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
4633
Who:
GLaDOS
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4626
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4598
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
4575
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
4567
Who:
Turret
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4558
Who:
Cave Johnson
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
4538
Who:
Wheatley
Hooray!
Listens:
4538
Who:
Turret
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
4457
Who:
Announcer
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
4449
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
4375
Who:
Wheatley
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4351
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4349
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
4349
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4330
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
4318
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4278
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4260
Who:
Core 3
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
4165
Who:
GLaDOS
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
4153
Who:
Defective Turret
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4152
Who:
Core 3
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
4147
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4146
Who:
Wheatley
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
4137
Who:
Announcer
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
4129
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
4111
Who:
Core 2
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
4096
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
4072
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
4042
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
4022
Who:
Announcer
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
4016
Who:
Announcer
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3988
Who:
Announcer
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3986
Who:
Cave Johnson
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3983
Who:
Wheatley
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3968
Who:
Core 3
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3963
Who:
Turret
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3959
Who:
Core 1
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3956
Who:
Turret
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3921
Who:
GLaDOS
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3890
Who:
Wheatley
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3887
Who:
Wheatley
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3887
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello.
Listens:
3850
Who:
Turret
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3821
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3809
Who:
Core 1
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3780
Who:
Announcer
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3722
Who:
Announcer
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3722
Who:
Core 1
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3714
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3709
Who:
GLaDOS
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3695
Who:
Wheatley
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3691
Who:
Core 1
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3668
Who:
GLaDOS
AH!
Listens:
3665
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3658
Who:
Wheatley
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3630
Who:
Defective Turret
Target lost
Listens:
3627
Who:
Turret
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3616
Who:
Announcer
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3613
Who:
Core 2
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3598
Who:
Announcer
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3594
Who:
Core 2
Yes sir!
Listens:
3593
Who:
Caroline
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3587
Who:
GLaDOS
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3571
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3563
Who:
Defective Turret
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3551
Who:
Defective Turret
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3525
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3508
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3508
Who:
Wheatley
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3461
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3458
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
3438
Who:
Turret
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3381
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3369
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3365
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3357
Who:
Cave Johnson
Just go.
Listens:
3357
Who:
GLaDOS
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3346
Who:
Turret
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3345
Who:
Announcer
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3333
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3311
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3310
Who:
Defective Turret
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
3299
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
3296
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3288
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3278
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3275
Who:
Wheatley
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3266
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
3263
Who:
Announcer
These things happen.
Listens:
3256
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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