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Space Court. For people in space. Judge space sun presiding. Bam. Guilty. Of being in space. I'm in space.
Listens:
5419
Who:
Core 1
Yeah!
Listens:
5415
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
5327
Who:
GLaDOS
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
5289
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
5258
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
5186
Who:
Announcer
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
5164
Who:
Announcer
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
5164
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
5162
Who:
Core 1
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
5073
Who:
Wheatley
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
5032
Who:
Turret
Hooray!
Listens:
4992
Who:
Turret
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
4986
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
4965
Who:
Announcer
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4926
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
4904
Who:
Turret
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4884
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4866
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4825
Who:
GLaDOS
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
4795
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
4780
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
4755
Who:
Wheatley
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4721
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4693
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4677
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
4650
Who:
Turret
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
4607
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
4543
Who:
Announcer
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
4518
Who:
Announcer
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
4466
Who:
Announcer
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4453
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4425
Who:
Core 3
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4418
Who:
Wheatley
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
4406
Who:
GLaDOS
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
4403
Who:
Defective Turret
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4391
Who:
Core 3
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
4352
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
4326
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
4314
Who:
Announcer
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
4297
Who:
Turret
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
4267
Who:
GLaDOS
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
4266
Who:
Turret
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
4260
Who:
Core 2
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
4259
Who:
Cave Johnson
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
4245
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
4237
Who:
Announcer
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4225
Who:
Wheatley
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
4213
Who:
Wheatley
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
4195
Who:
Core 3
AH!
Listens:
4177
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
4158
Who:
Turret
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
4144
Who:
GLaDOS
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
4132
Who:
Defective Turret
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
4114
Who:
Core 1
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
4099
Who:
Wheatley
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
4073
Who:
Wheatley
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
4063
Who:
GLaDOS
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
4042
Who:
Announcer
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3949
Who:
Announcer
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3942
Who:
Core 1
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3925
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3903
Who:
Wheatley
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3902
Who:
Core 1
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3895
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3887
Who:
Announcer
Yes sir!
Listens:
3886
Who:
Caroline
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3880
Who:
Defective Turret
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3874
Who:
GLaDOS
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3869
Who:
Core 2
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3867
Who:
Defective Turret
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3864
Who:
Defective Turret
Target lost
Listens:
3851
Who:
Turret
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3845
Who:
Core 1
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3831
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3814
Who:
Wheatley
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3810
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3800
Who:
Defective Turret
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3777
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3777
Who:
GLaDOS
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3742
Who:
Core 2
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
3737
Who:
Turret
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
3735
Who:
Announcer
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3659
Who:
Wheatley
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3644
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3643
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3637
Who:
Announcer
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3624
Who:
GLaDOS
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3624
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3618
Who:
Cave Johnson
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
3603
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3596
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3587
Who:
Cave Johnson
Powerup complete.
Listens:
3581
Who:
Announcer
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3576
Who:
Turret
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
3572
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3557
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
3554
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3551
Who:
Defective Turret
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
3528
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3496
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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