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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
28587
Who:
GLaDOS
You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right.
Listens:
401
Who:
GLaDOS
I miss this that smell.
Listens:
408
Who:
GLaDOS
Activated
Listens:
2623
Who:
Turret
You are simply experiencing a rare reaction in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have emancipated the ear tubes inside your head.
Listens:
1054
Who:
Announcer
I just have to figure out how. To break us out of here.
Listens:
283
Who:
Wheatley
Oh no, you've got it, you've got it! Yes! Put him in there! Let's see how this place likes a crap turret.
Listens:
508
Who:
Wheatley
If you had any belongings, please pick them up now. We don't want old newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building.
Listens:
996
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you still there?
Listens:
57416
Who:
Turret
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Listens:
6334
Who:
GLaDOS
As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team. However, it’s perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite member probably isn't smart enough to understand. Rhymeswithglue. Orange you are doing very well.
Listens:
1015
Who:
GLaDOS
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
4101
Who:
Announcer
Put me in the game, coach!
Listens:
979
Who:
Defective Turret
Okay, listen, let me lay something on you here. It's pretty heavy. They told me NEVER NEVER EVER to disengage myself from my Management Rail. Or I would DIE. But we're out of options here. So... get ready to catch me, alright, on the off chance that I'm not dead the moment I pop off this thing.
Listens:
926
Who:
Wheatley
He will most likely kill you.
Listens:
798
Who:
Core 3
No, wait. Just kill it and we'll call things even between us. No hard feelings.
Listens:
777
Who:
GLaDOS
[out of breath] Okay. That's probably the bird, isn't it? That laid the eggs! Livid!
Listens:
1011
Who:
Wheatley
Did I hit it? I hit it, didn't I?
Listens:
471
Who:
Defective Turret
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3317
Who:
Core 2
Give up? Also the floor. Was the answer that time. Same as before. Still on the floor.
Listens:
290
Who:
Wheatley
Ok... Here we go...
Listens:
325
Who:
Wheatley
AHH!
Listens:
1345
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, please disregard the following statement: Orange, you have been a shining light in an otherwise ungodly morass of incompetence.
Listens:
585
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2457
Who:
Turret
HA! I knew someone was alive in here.
Listens:
357
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
20314
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1631
Who:
Announcer
And it almost killed me.
Listens:
446
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Listens:
1222
Who:
Wheatley
Please stop.
Listens:
1224
Who:
Turret
You are simply experiencing a rare reaction, in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have erased the ear tubes inside your head.
Listens:
422
Who:
GLaDOS
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1951
Who:
Cave Johnson
Whoa-ho-ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot. Massive! It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I?
Listens:
633
Who:
Wheatley
If you were human, you would want a reward for completing this test. A reward for testing?!?!
Listens:
393
Who:
GLaDOS
Waitwaitwait. Ohhhh. Not helpful. Rrrrrg. Don't know why I thought that would help.
Listens:
1209
Who:
Wheatley
Without the consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
504
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah! How'd you like that?
Listens:
428
Who:
Core 2
I think he's getting desperate.
Listens:
291
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
Listens:
6434
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! Right, the escape lift! I'll call it now.
Listens:
316
Who:
Wheatley
I know I've painted quite a grim picture of your chances. But if you simply stand here, we will both surely die.
Listens:
303
Who:
Wheatley
You're doing a great job of disappointing me.
Listens:
860
Who:
GLaDOS
It would be pointless for either of us to hurt Blue’s feelings. But it’s clear to everyone monitoring the test who’s carrying who here.
Listens:
557
Who:
GLaDOS
You're on your own.
Listens:
286
Who:
GLaDOS
It would compromise the test to divulge individual scores. However, I can tell you at least one of you is doing very, very well.
Listens:
360
Who:
GLaDOS
And that makes 10.
Listens:
375
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what? I think we're well past the point of tasteful restraint. So I'll tell you: they all died. Horrifically. Trying to get that portal device that you're gripping in your meaty little fingers there.
Listens:
701
Who:
Wheatley
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1648
Who:
Wheatley
As the name implies, there are only two minor differences: One, the board; two, the rules.
Listens:
444
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, I tried.
Listens:
408
Who:
Defective Turret
Do either of you feel like laughing?
Listens:
1280
Who:
GLaDOS
You’ve made your point.
Listens:
816
Who:
Turret
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
18645
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, come on, you guys!
Listens:
628
Who:
Defective Turret
Go ahead and grab another one.
Listens:
423
Who:
GLaDOS
Non-defective turret testing active.
Listens:
915
Who:
Announcer
Lady.
Listens:
633
Who:
Core 1
AH! I've just done it again.
Listens:
359
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
185408
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm going to be honest with you now. Not fake honest like before, but real honest, like you're incapable of. I know you're up to something.
Listens:
470
Who:
GLaDOS
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
1970
Who:
Wheatley
Run!
Listens:
479
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem. Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care.
Listens:
1136
Who:
GLaDOS
No knife? That's fine. I know all about pressure points.
Listens:
473
Who:
Core 2
Be careful. Hugging can lead to... well, me disassembling you forever.
Listens:
484
Who:
GLaDOS
Was that course too difficult?
Listens:
339
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't plug him in.
Listens:
335
Who:
GLaDOS
If that doesn't motivate you, I'm not sure what will.
Listens:
281
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 50 percent.
Listens:
8069
Who:
Announcer
Keep it up, baby! You're creamin' him!
Listens:
475
Who:
Core 2
Shootin' blanks every time, ALL the time.
Listens:
1348
Who:
Defective Turret
Uhoh
Listens:
953
Who:
Turret
clickclickclick
Listens:
550
Who:
Defective Turret
Please go to space.
Listens:
1001
Who:
Core 1
Spheres that insist on going into space are inferior to spheres that don't.
Listens:
1027
Who:
Core 3
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
1957
Who:
Wheatley
An extra special bonus course that ends with us finding and freeing humans!
Listens:
327
Who:
GLaDOS
Ow.
Listens:
543
Who:
Wheatley
This close and you are going to fail me?
Listens:
333
Who:
GLaDOS
We should be getting close. Ohh, I can't wait to see the look on her face. No neurotoxin, no turrets--she'll never know what hit her!
Listens:
402
Who:
Wheatley
That's his voice up ahead.
Listens:
301
Who:
GLaDOS
Right on that stick over there. Just put me right on it.
Listens:
284
Who:
Wheatley
Orange, it's not nice to make fun of Blue like that.
Listens:
324
Who:
GLaDOS
No hard fealings
Listens:
1071
Who:
Turret
I talked my way onto the nanobot work crew rebuilding this shaft. They're REALLY small, so they have very tiny little brains. But there're a billion of 'em, so it's only a matter of time until ONE of them notices I'm the size of a planet.
Listens:
956
Who:
Wheatley
Orange what did you do?
Listens:
333
Who:
GLaDOS
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1589
Who:
Wheatley
You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Listens:
807
Who:
Core 3
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3632
Who:
Wheatley
Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant!
Listens:
378
Who:
Wheatley
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1658
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhhhhh, that's tremendous.
Listens:
538
Who:
Wheatley
There must be something wrong with the reassembly machine.
Listens:
1176
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, thanks so much!
Listens:
726
Who:
Defective Turret
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1381
Who:
Wheatley
Fears conflict.
Listens:
315
Who:
GLaDOS
Please continue into the next test chamber.
Listens:
407
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! Good news! [electic pop] Nevermind.
Listens:
6661
Who:
Wheatley
From here we transport you to the new testing course.
Listens:
322
Who:
GLaDOS
The Mexican-American War ended in 1848 with the signing of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.
Listens:
581
Who:
Core 3
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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