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So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3368
Who:
Cave Johnson
Even I was created with a imperfection, I was given too much empathy with human suffering.
Listens:
418
Who:
GLaDOS
She was provoking you.
Listens:
838
Who:
Turret
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
20876
Who:
GLaDOS
Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there.
Listens:
386
Who:
GLaDOS
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4327
Who:
Wheatley
Blue is penalized
Listens:
436
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4546
Who:
GLaDOS
For safety.
Listens:
360
Who:
GLaDOS
The occupation of court jester was invented accidentally, when a vassal's epilepsy was mistaken for capering.
Listens:
706
Who:
Core 3
Hello?
Listens:
6291
Who:
Turret
Uh oh.
Listens:
492
Who:
Wheatley
But now, looking around, seeing Aperture restored to its former glory? You don't have to worry about leaving EVER again. I mean that.
Listens:
490
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent. You’re both doing very well.
Listens:
339
Who:
GLaDOS
And she will probably kill us if, um, she's awake.
Listens:
422
Who:
Wheatley
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2256
Who:
Defective Turret
Why should I be kept informed about the life functions of the ten thousand bloody test subjects I'm supposed to be in charge of?
Listens:
469
Who:
Wheatley
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2778
Who:
Core 1
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1695
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wheeeeee-OHNO!
Listens:
8763
Who:
Turret
Can't read.
Listens:
360
Who:
GLaDOS
Heh heh heh...
Listens:
422
Who:
Defective Turret
Anyway, just give me a wave before you solve this one, alright? Don't want to spoil the ending for when I watch it later.
Listens:
314
Who:
Wheatley
Blue just taught orange a valuable lesson in trust. For that, blue receives 14 science collaboration points.
Listens:
427
Who:
GLaDOS
I tell you, if I was up against impossible odds, this is the way I'd want to go out: mashed with dignity. That'd be the way I'd choose.
Listens:
377
Who:
Wheatley
Did I hit it? I hit it, didn't I?
Listens:
486
Who:
Defective Turret
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
24631
Who:
Wheatley
No, seriously. Do come back. Come back, please.
Listens:
1243
Who:
Wheatley
To complete this test, you need to find a set of blue prints.
Listens:
293
Who:
GLaDOS
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1732
Who:
Announcer
Good job jumping. You must be very proud.
Listens:
828
Who:
GLaDOS
Simple word. 'Apple'.
Listens:
633
Who:
Wheatley
Over there is where they used to keep the old neurotoxin release button. BIG responsibility, the guy in charge of the neurotoxin release button. And guess who he WAS? He wasn't me. But I was his assistant, and I did a lot of his admin.
Listens:
802
Who:
Wheatley
Might as well give you the tour.
Listens:
346
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
103879
Who:
Core 1
Do, uh.... we get some eyes at some point?
Listens:
725
Who:
Defective Turret
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
2343
Who:
Announcer
'Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down.' Oh yeah!
Listens:
718
Who:
Core 2
Live turret line is active. Enter room with extreme caution.
Listens:
940
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2604
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! Sorry. The lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting.
Listens:
502
Who:
Wheatley
I wonder if that dancing has some effect on you?
Listens:
516
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you doing that just to aggravate me?
Listens:
310
Who:
GLaDOS
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1572
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, it's funny because most of it actually happened.
Listens:
965
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh no, you've got it, you've got it! Yes! Put him in there! Let's see how this place likes a crap turret.
Listens:
515
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1120
Who:
GLaDOS
If that doesn't motivate you, I'm not sure what will.
Listens:
308
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going. Going to space.
Listens:
1022
Who:
Core 1
Okay. Here's a good idea. You should definitely press that button.
Listens:
415
Who:
Wheatley
Ah!
Listens:
1665
Who:
Core 1
Warning: Core overheating. Nuclear meltdown imminent.
Listens:
20112
Who:
Announcer
Bring your daughter to work day. That did not end well.
Listens:
674
Who:
Wheatley
Lady.
Listens:
841
Who:
Core 1
That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured, she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right, Caroline?
Listens:
1315
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
22720
Who:
Cave Johnson
So. Boom. Better offer here is just kill yourself. Seems like a lot of effort to walk all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly serviceable death option right there. Again: not a death trap. Your death would be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated.
Listens:
1194
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1807
Who:
GLaDOS
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
4053
Who:
Core 2
So go ahead and jump. What's the worst that could happen? Oh. Oh wait, I just now thought of the worst thing. Oh! I just thought of something even worse. Alright. New, better plan: no imagining of any potential outcomes whatsoever. Just jump, into the abyss, there, and let's see what happens.
Listens:
629
Who:
Wheatley
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
5486
Who:
GLaDOS
[yelling]
Listens:
662
Who:
Wheatley
Most of them are simply good test subjects.
Listens:
296
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome to the enrichment center. [cough]
Listens:
6385
Who:
Cave Johnson
Your test assignment will vary, depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will.
Listens:
1018
Who:
Cave Johnson
To facilitate collaboration, both of you have been equipped with a ping tool.
Listens:
344
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, it's alright. Go ahead.
Listens:
327
Who:
Wheatley
Does it actually make you feel good when you do that? Because it's not impressive. Noone's impressed. It's just glass, isn't it. Fragile. A baby could smash one of them. It's not impressive.
Listens:
720
Who:
Wheatley
What are you...
Listens:
326
Who:
Wheatley
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4917
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ungh!
Listens:
334
Who:
Wheatley
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1753
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! Oh! Don't leave me behind! Do pick me up, if you would...
Listens:
420
Who:
Wheatley
Always sleeping.
Listens:
554
Who:
GLaDOS
This is a bridge-building exercise. The humans were miserable at this, mostly because you can't build bridges out of tears.
Listens:
548
Who:
GLaDOS
Resting
Listens:
696
Who:
Turret
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1926
Who:
GLaDOS
Locked and loaded!
Listens:
580
Who:
Defective Turret
Come on! We have to go!
Listens:
291
Who:
Wheatley
Startles easily. Boo!
Listens:
557
Who:
GLaDOS
I created this test to let the humans feel good about themselves. It is extremely easy. Just follow the arrows.
Listens:
511
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry! Sorry. My fault.
Listens:
451
Who:
Wheatley
I can't decide which is my favorite; the crushers for crushing you or the reassembly machine for putting you back together so you can be crushed again.
Listens:
494
Who:
GLaDOS
After seeing what he's done to my facility -- after we take over again -- is it alright if I kill him?
Listens:
504
Who:
GLaDOS
I hardly think you're even trying with these gestures anymore.
Listens:
367
Who:
GLaDOS
Very good. You’ve really come together as a team. Thanks to the one of you who appears to be doing all of the work.
Listens:
469
Who:
GLaDOS
Anxious.
Listens:
351
Who:
GLaDOS
Can you hear that? She has really kicked this place into high gear now.
Listens:
326
Who:
Wheatley
Cheater.
Listens:
564
Who:
GLaDOS
Takes long lunches.
Listens:
339
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't understand!
Listens:
5739
Who:
Turret
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3481
Who:
GLaDOS
That poster! Go look at it for a second, would you?
Listens:
693
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, quick recap: We are escaping! That's what's happening now: we're escaping. So you're doing great. Just keep running!
Listens:
338
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh...
Listens:
690
Who:
Wheatley
You should both be familiar with the game of Tic-Tac-Toe.
Listens:
498
Who:
GLaDOS
I would prefer to speak to one of you in private but since that is not an option here, I will speak in code that only one of you will understand. Blue: Orange is plotting to destroy you.
Listens:
736
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2631
Who:
Wheatley
To clarify, I was being a little bit facetious about wanting to get rid of monitors. They're actually really quite useful. So I do want them around. So if you could just avoid smashing them.
Listens:
518
Who:
Wheatley
And here I thought this room was dangerously unlethal.
Listens:
336
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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