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Portal 2
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It's alright! Everything's good. I just invented some more tests!
Listens:
294
Who:
Wheatley
In the event that it does, this next test involves exposure to cattle tuberculosis. Good luck!
Listens:
721
Who:
GLaDOS
Let go! Let go! I'm still connected. I can pull myself in. I can still fix this!
Listens:
1052
Who:
Wheatley
'Hang ten?' That might work if there were ten of him. Do you think there might be nine more of this guy somewhere?
Listens:
633
Who:
Core 2
Earth.
Listens:
1712
Who:
Core 1
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
4267
Who:
GLaDOS
Please test your device by portaling to that ledge.
Listens:
279
Who:
GLaDOS
Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit. They are found in Australians.
Listens:
990
Who:
Core 3
Uh oh.
Listens:
435
Who:
Wheatley
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3810
Who:
GLaDOS
Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?
Listens:
284
Who:
GLaDOS
ow.
Listens:
692
Who:
GLaDOS
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1701
Who:
Core 3
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
16951
Who:
Core 2
Let's try this again. Try to make your way across the machinery.
Listens:
274
Who:
Wheatley
Come on come on come on!
Listens:
287
Who:
Wheatley
Orange, it's not nice to make fun of Blue like that.
Listens:
310
Who:
GLaDOS
I didn't mean to make you feel bad earlier about your tests not being real science. I guess finding out they weren't science was some sort of test in and of itself.
Listens:
304
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what makes me laugh? The thought of you stopping that.
Listens:
369
Who:
GLaDOS
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1436
Who:
GLaDOS
Hooray!
Listens:
4992
Who:
Turret
Hello again, this testing course was originally created for humans.
Listens:
1286
Who:
GLaDOS
Who said that?
Listens:
566
Who:
Defective Turret
The hardest part of any hack is the figuring-out-how-to-start phase. That's always tricky. But... Let the games begin.
Listens:
915
Who:
Wheatley
Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody is going to have to repair it. No, it's okay, I'll do that too. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
Listens:
704
Who:
GLaDOS
Awwww
Listens:
3053
Who:
Turret
Yeah, what?
Listens:
476
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello. Hello. Hell-- Aw, crap...
Listens:
12776
Who:
Defective Turret
Let me give you a clue, it is the one thing you can't do.
Listens:
278
Who:
GLaDOS
Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there.
Listens:
338
Who:
GLaDOS
While I will receive all the glory for the rescue don't think you two aren't going to get something. The bond you form during these tests will last a lifetime.
Listens:
302
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello!
Listens:
6889
Who:
Wheatley
Run, for goodness sake!
Listens:
376
Who:
Wheatley
What? No, you pressed that bAGGGHHHHHH
Listens:
948
Who:
Wheatley
Two
Listens:
588
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you trying to weigh me down? Think I'll fall out of the ceiling? Won't work. I'm not just quite brilliant, I'm also quite strong. Biggest muscle in my body: my brain. Second biggest: My muscles. So, it's not going to work. Clearly.
Listens:
1119
Who:
Wheatley
Why should I be kept informed about the life functions of the ten thousand bloody test subjects I'm supposed to be in charge of?
Listens:
425
Who:
Wheatley
Please return to the core transfer bay.
Listens:
1346
Who:
Announcer
Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis.
Listens:
1229
Who:
GLaDOS
You are doing wonderfully.
Listens:
290
Who:
GLaDOS
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
2001
Who:
Cave Johnson
Each portal gun may create two self-contained portals.
Listens:
374
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
133115
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, let's do this.
Listens:
407
Who:
Defective Turret
For safety.
Listens:
336
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
49102
Who:
Cave Johnson
Gently cleaning the tongue twice a day is the most effective way to fight bad breath.
Listens:
526
Who:
Core 3
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2164
Who:
Defective Turret
I thought of another great thing about humans. You invented us. Giving us the opportunity to let you relax while we invented everything else. We couldn't have done any of that without you. Classy. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
575
Who:
Wheatley
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2812
Who:
Wheatley
Using your ping tool, please indicate where you would like me to place your two portals. Ping each location.
Listens:
415
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright, what have we got?
Listens:
273
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3429
Who:
Turret
I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact, we're headed to your surprise right now. After all these years. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.
Listens:
661
Who:
GLaDOS
Old.
Listens:
331
Who:
GLaDOS
The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team.
Listens:
367
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
2003
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, but I just... have made my actual first mistake... by telling you my plan. Just now. Grrr... It's me old Achilles heel again. Armed with that knowledge, I imagine you won't even use the conversion gel. Oh fate! Oh cruel mistress.
Listens:
771
Who:
Wheatley
Blue is first to acquire a Portal Device.
Listens:
371
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge.
Listens:
1270
Who:
GLaDOS
You're better than that.
Listens:
359
Who:
GLaDOS
Always sulking.
Listens:
282
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! Death trap!
Listens:
763
Who:
Wheatley
I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's with some generous rounding.
Listens:
917
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
18437
Who:
Wheatley
Your destination's probably not going to come meet us here. Is it? So go on.
Listens:
276
Who:
Wheatley
See nothing bad happened.
Listens:
606
Who:
GLaDOS
Come on, solve it!
Listens:
310
Who:
Wheatley
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1291
Who:
Core 1
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
1929
Who:
Wheatley
Programmed in one last tremor, for old time's sake.
Listens:
307
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1006
Who:
GLaDOS
For instance, Orange, you just lost two opportunity advisement points.
Listens:
330
Who:
GLaDOS
Orange, do you feel betrayed by Blue for telling me those horrible things about you?
Listens:
318
Who:
GLaDOS
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
5073
Who:
Wheatley
To your left... you'll see some lights of some kind. Don't know what they do. But very sciencey anyway.
Listens:
646
Who:
Wheatley
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2173
Who:
GLaDOS
That was fun, wasn't it?
Listens:
379
Who:
Defective Turret
Pens. Might need those. Don't see any though. So...
Listens:
301
Who:
Wheatley
Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?
Listens:
286
Who:
GLaDOS
I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test.
Listens:
905
Who:
GLaDOS
Turrets!
Listens:
409
Who:
Wheatley
At the rate you are completing these tests, I am beginning to think you don't share my excitement for rescuing crying trapped injured dying humans.
Listens:
399
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm pretty sure we're going the right way. Just to reassure you...
Listens:
278
Who:
Wheatley
Don't forget! Thorn! Side!
Listens:
640
Who:
Core 2
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2554
Who:
Core 1
Have you worked out the one good trait humans have, yet?
Listens:
517
Who:
GLaDOS
What's a guy gotta do to get some bullets around here?
Listens:
1043
Who:
Defective Turret
Being Caroline taught me another valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.
Listens:
852
Who:
GLaDOS
He's taking us right TO him! This is PERFECT.
Listens:
341
Who:
GLaDOS
Perhaps I should have specified. Teamwork is a concept in which two or more people work together, usually with a goal of not failing horribly.
Listens:
664
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! How's it going! I talked my way onto the nanobot work crew rebuilding this shaft. They are REALLY small, so -ah - I KNOW, Jerry. No, I'm on BREAK, mate. On a break.
Listens:
606
Who:
Wheatley
The average adult body contains half a pound of salt.
Listens:
566
Who:
Core 3
Get going. I'll fill you in along the way.
Listens:
649
Who:
GLaDOS
Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant!
Listens:
362
Who:
Wheatley
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1438
Who:
GLaDOS
Nevermind. I have to go... check something. Test on your own recognizance. I'll be back.
Listens:
487
Who:
GLaDOS
Second time's a charm...
Listens:
752
Who:
Defective Turret
Aggh, see, now I hit that one, I hit that one...
Listens:
293
Who:
Wheatley
Oh God! Oh, don't need to do that anymore. The jig is up, RUN!
Listens:
913
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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