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I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem. Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care.
Listens:
1183
Who:
GLaDOS
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
4781
Who:
GLaDOS
That did it! Neurotoxin at zero percent! Yes!
Listens:
375
Who:
Wheatley
Well, can't win 'em all...
Listens:
540
Who:
Defective Turret
I'll interpret that gesture to mean that you want me to become even more vindictive toward you.
Listens:
328
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
33768
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you are wondering what that smell is, that is the smell of human fear.
Listens:
311
Who:
GLaDOS
Warmer. Warrrrmer. Boiling hot. Boiling--okay, colder. Ice cold. Arctic. Very very very cold LOOK JUST GET ON THE BUTTON!
Listens:
760
Who:
Wheatley
That is not part of the test.
Listens:
397
Who:
GLaDOS
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
20491
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
Listens:
1305
Who:
Wheatley
All I wanted to do was make everything better for me! All you had to do was solve a couple hundred simple tests for a few years. And you couldn't even let me have that, could you?
Listens:
766
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Core overheating. Nuclear meltdown imminent.
Listens:
20112
Who:
Announcer
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Wheatley
There are 5000 other two subject teams in direct competition with you.
Listens:
348
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, is there something you would like to say?
Listens:
335
Who:
GLaDOS
What are you doing in there?
Listens:
324
Who:
Wheatley
Nice catch, Orange.
Listens:
995
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey wait wait wait wait wait wait!
Listens:
595
Who:
Defective Turret
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1569
Who:
GLaDOS
I want to be plugged in, please!
Listens:
349
Who:
Wheatley
YES! I KNEW someone was alive in here!
Listens:
400
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
1140
Who:
Defective Turret
Ah, friendship. Friendly times. We had a lot of good times, do you remember? Back in the old days.
Listens:
692
Who:
Wheatley
Oh no, I'm one of the bad ones, aren't I?
Listens:
1117
Who:
Defective Turret
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3935
Who:
Defective Turret
Okay, well, alright. Just do your idea and then come straight back.
Listens:
306
Who:
Wheatley
Don't press it! COME BACK!
Listens:
983
Who:
Wheatley
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1580
Who:
Cave Johnson
That's it, no, that's it! Yeah.
Listens:
330
Who:
Wheatley
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
4178
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, doubt it.
Listens:
418
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah! Non-lethal as ever.
Listens:
903
Who:
Defective Turret
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4327
Who:
Wheatley
Something’s wrong...
Listens:
937
Who:
Turret
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
32112
Who:
Core 2
Die!
Listens:
1697
Who:
Defective Turret
Uhoh
Listens:
977
Who:
Turret
YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT!
Listens:
11704
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge.
Listens:
619
Who:
GLaDOS
Nobody cares, four eyes.
Listens:
1245
Who:
Core 2
'Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down.' Man, that sounded a whole lot better in my head.
Listens:
1027
Who:
Core 2
Congratulations on passing that test.
Listens:
423
Who:
GLaDOS
You KNOW her?
Listens:
638
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
47157
Who:
GLaDOS
[yelling]
Listens:
662
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, are you still there? Could you--could you pick me up?
Listens:
1269
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1427
Who:
GLaDOS
Orange just taught blue a valuable lesson in trust. For that, orange receives 17 science collaboration points.
Listens:
534
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3152
Who:
Caroline
Takes long lunches.
Listens:
339
Who:
GLaDOS
Do either of you feel like laughing?
Listens:
1327
Who:
GLaDOS
You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified.
Listens:
1116
Who:
GLaDOS
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1311
Who:
Core 1
And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have no plan.
Listens:
854
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, look, the point is, we're gonna break out of here! Very soon, I promise, I promise!
Listens:
311
Who:
Wheatley
We are going to shut down her turret production line, turn off her neurotoxin, and then confront her.
Listens:
322
Who:
Wheatley
From here we transport you to the new testing course.
Listens:
357
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
4257
Who:
Core 3
Agh, just... I just gotta get it through here...
Listens:
304
Who:
Wheatley
And guess what? Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill.
Listens:
6558
Who:
Cave Johnson
What a horrible little machine.
Listens:
622
Who:
GLaDOS
You have been a thorn in my side long enough!
Listens:
910
Who:
Wheatley
Thanks anyway...
Listens:
1183
Who:
Turret
Press it!
Listens:
355
Who:
GLaDOS
That's another fifty point penalty.
Listens:
622
Who:
GLaDOS
What do you think?
Listens:
1387
Who:
Wheatley
Template
Listens:
3222
Who:
Announcer
Would you like to know the results of that last test? Me too. If they existed, we'd all be VERY happy right now. And not furious, which is the emotion I'm actually feeling.
Listens:
707
Who:
GLaDOS
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3639
Who:
Turret
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1632
Who:
GLaDOS
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2416
Who:
Defective Turret
The...um... sorry.. I wouldn't say smelly. Just attending to the humans.
Listens:
462
Who:
Wheatley
Ah! There you are. Great. Let me just get rid of this catwalk.
Listens:
409
Who:
Wheatley
I'll just move that out of the way for you. This place really is a wreck.
Listens:
362
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
20595
Who:
Wheatley
So what am I, uh, supposed to do here?
Listens:
1241
Who:
Defective Turret
I, uh... I am a bad man.
Listens:
897
Who:
Defective Turret
So. Boom. Better offer here is just kill yourself. Seems like a lot of effort to walk all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly serviceable death option right there. Again: not a death trap. Your death would be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated.
Listens:
1194
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah.
Listens:
371
Who:
Defective Turret
Ignores task at hand. Won't for long.
Listens:
526
Who:
GLaDOS
[gentle laughter] It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
7582
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah!
Listens:
5515
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay! Keep your eye on the turret line, I'm gonna go and hack the door open.
Listens:
335
Who:
Wheatley
Well, I tried.
Listens:
424
Who:
Defective Turret
Technical... Ummm... You'll need to turn around while I do this.
Listens:
422
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, did you bring your little portal gun? Nothing to portal onto here, luv. Just ten pounds of dead weight. About to be two hundred and ten. Fatty.
Listens:
7013
Who:
Wheatley
'Hang ten?' That might work if there were ten of him. Do you think there might be nine more of this guy somewhere?
Listens:
649
Who:
Core 2
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2097
Who:
Turret
Ahahaha
Listens:
2139
Who:
Turret
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4546
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* Press the button, would you?
Listens:
1173
Who:
Wheatley
There's the exit! We're almost out of here!
Listens:
307
Who:
Wheatley
Probably.
Listens:
303
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
5161
Who:
GLaDOS
There you are! I was starting to get worried.
Listens:
291
Who:
Wheatley
STAY CALM! Stay calm! 'Prepare.' That's all it's saying. It's just saying 'Prepare.' It's all fine. Alright? Don't move. I'm going to get us out of here.
Listens:
778
Who:
Wheatley
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
376627
Who:
Core 1
You're doing great!
Listens:
458
Who:
Core 2
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1510
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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