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Portal 2
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Hey! Moron!
Listens:
24308
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads up: We're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best-case scenario, you might get some superpowers. Worst case, some tumors, which we'll cut out.
Listens:
10563
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical! Hold on!
Listens:
1193
Who:
Wheatley
Whoever wins this battle is clearly superior, and will earn the allegiance of the Fact Sphere.
Listens:
711
Who:
Core 3
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1865
Who:
Wheatley
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
1406
Who:
GLaDOS
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1475
Who:
Wheatley
But just work with me.
Listens:
320
Who:
GLaDOS
Fine! No, absolutely fine. It's not like I don't have, you know, ten thousand other test subjects begging me to help them escape. You know, it's not like this place is about to EXPLODE.
Listens:
692
Who:
Wheatley
If you want to upset a human, just say their weight variance is above or below the norm.
Listens:
832
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3486
Who:
Announcer
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2157
Who:
Caroline
Do not do it!
Listens:
346
Who:
Wheatley
Go on. Get a goooood lonnnnng look.
Listens:
492
Who:
GLaDOS
Completing this course was not a reason to behave like that.
Listens:
339
Who:
GLaDOS
Manipulative.
Listens:
368
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm not defective!
Listens:
1417
Who:
Defective Turret
But why don't we all just agree to call it the hub?
Listens:
401
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1913
Who:
Announcer
Hopeless. Just hopeless.
Listens:
483
Who:
GLaDOS
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1668
Who:
GLaDOS
GET IN!
Listens:
322
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah.
Listens:
490
Who:
Defective Turret
Go on. Just jam me in over there.
Listens:
319
Who:
Wheatley
I'm seriously not paying atten-- STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
Listens:
5952
Who:
GLaDOS
Do not do it!
Listens:
417
Who:
Wheatley
What are you doing? Put me back this instant.
Listens:
389
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, quit and try another course.
Listens:
459
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, have you got an idea?
Listens:
285
Who:
Wheatley
Probably ought to bring you up to speed on something right now.
Listens:
331
Who:
Wheatley
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3205
Who:
Wheatley
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2843
Who:
Wheatley
Can you see it anywhere? I can't see it anywhere. Uh. Tell you what, plug me in and I'll turn the lights on.
Listens:
364
Who:
Wheatley
Yes. You're the tumor.
Listens:
940
Who:
GLaDOS
Anyway. Just finished the last one. The hardest one. Machiavelli. Do not know what all the fuss was about. Understood it perfectly. Have you read that one?
Listens:
950
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2381
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2329
Who:
GLaDOS
Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
Listens:
1322
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, how well do you really know Orange? Do you trust Orange? What if I told you, you aren't Orange's first cooperative partner?
Listens:
465
Who:
GLaDOS
It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it.
Listens:
6540
Who:
GLaDOS
I know I'm early, but we have to go right NOW!
Listens:
351
Who:
Wheatley
[laugh trailing off] Actually, why do we have to leave right now?
Listens:
1301
Who:
Wheatley
Ungh!
Listens:
325
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, have it your way. What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control there? Cuz it looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
538
Who:
Core 2
Fantastic.
Listens:
918
Who:
Defective Turret
I’m sorry, Subject Orange.
Listens:
458
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, remember the time I took over the facility? Greatest moment of my life, but you just wanted to leave. Didn't want to share in my success. Well, so you know, I'd be happy for you if you succeeded. Apart from right now, obviously.
Listens:
998
Who:
Wheatley
Congratulations on completing that test. But something seems off.
Listens:
292
Who:
GLaDOS
Wanna go to space. Space.
Listens:
998
Who:
Core 1
Yeah.
Listens:
572
Who:
GLaDOS
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
26039
Who:
Announcer
Agh!
Listens:
326
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, did you bring your little portal gun? Nothing to portal onto here, luv. Just ten pounds of dead weight. About to be two hundred and ten. Fatty.
Listens:
6958
Who:
Wheatley
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
4567
Who:
Announcer
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2987
Who:
Turret
Space Court. For people in space. Judge space sun presiding. Bam. Guilty. Of being in space. I'm in space.
Listens:
5501
Who:
Core 1
Abrasive personality.
Listens:
432
Who:
GLaDOS
Take me with you...
Listens:
1242
Who:
Turret
This course was created and then abandoned by humans. They tend to do that, create something wonderful and then abandon it.
Listens:
980
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you testing me?
Listens:
385
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations. I am sure if I had the time to repair these tests, you would have never completed them. So again, congratulations on completing the broken easy tests.
Listens:
502
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh. I see. [chuckle]
Listens:
691
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, what's going on over there? You know, I'm actually over here, still thinking really hard!
Listens:
340
Who:
Wheatley
And...?
Listens:
379
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
22301
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you just saying that, or is it really going to hurt? You're just saying that aren't you? No, you're not. It is going to hurt, isn't it?
Listens:
432
Who:
Wheatley
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
Listens:
1623
Who:
GLaDOS
Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?
Listens:
298
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
2065
Who:
Cave Johnson
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
4425
Who:
Announcer
You did it! You powered on the system.
Listens:
584
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations, you managed to complete this absolutely meaningless test.
Listens:
427
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm gonna make you proud!
Listens:
689
Who:
Defective Turret
Orange is first to acquire a Portal Device.
Listens:
638
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, maybe it's time I did something then.
Listens:
341
Who:
Wheatley
I'm going to space.
Listens:
1205
Who:
Core 1
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
1362
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1392
Who:
Wheatley
You're better than that.
Listens:
368
Who:
GLaDOS
Look!
Listens:
455
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't read.
Listens:
352
Who:
GLaDOS
And that's why I can't help you solve these tests.
Listens:
589
Who:
GLaDOS
Hi?
Listens:
896
Who:
Turret
Did you know I discovered a way to eradicate poverty? But then you KILLED me. So that's gone.
Listens:
875
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey!
Listens:
855
Who:
Turret
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
4324
Who:
GLaDOS
The moon orbits the Earth every 27.32 days.
Listens:
890
Who:
Core 3
Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
Listens:
1069
Who:
Cave Johnson
All cooperative testing courses begin at this central hub.
Listens:
352
Who:
GLaDOS
I wonder if the humans will make a statue of me for rescuing them? Oh, don't worry, if they ever write a historical document of my heroic rescue, I will make sure your names are included in the footnotes.
Listens:
582
Who:
GLaDOS
The reserve power ran out, so of course the whole relaxation center stops waking up the bloody test subjects.
Listens:
539
Who:
Wheatley
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Listens:
6389
Who:
GLaDOS
It would be pointless for either of us to hurt Blue’s feelings. But it’s clear to everyone monitoring the test who’s carrying who here.
Listens:
565
Who:
GLaDOS
Why should I be kept informed about the life functions of the ten thousand bloody test subjects I'm supposed to be in charge of?
Listens:
453
Who:
Wheatley
I was outside watching some deer frolic. You don't even care about the outside do you?
Listens:
814
Who:
GLaDOS
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2228
Who:
Core 3
That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured, she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right, Caroline?
Listens:
1299
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello.
Listens:
1129
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2344
Who:
Core 2
There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I'll be right back.
Listens:
1056
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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