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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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And you'll probably get ringworm. And Athlete's Foot. And... Cholera. Or something... Horrible. It's gonna be even worse than if I'd just blown you up.
Listens:
539
Who:
Wheatley
Wish there was more books! But there's not.
Listens:
444
Who:
Wheatley
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
2015
Who:
Wheatley
Oh I'll tell you what's also down there. Your parents and... There's also an escape elevator!. Down there. Funny. I should have mentioned it before. But so it's down there. So pop down. Jump down. You've got your folks down there and an escape elevator
Listens:
1087
Who:
Wheatley
Crap.
Listens:
2539
Who:
Defective Turret
I know how we can BEAT him.
Listens:
353
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
19646
Who:
GLaDOS
ONE Catchmecatchmecatchmecatchmecatchme
Listens:
939
Who:
Wheatley
I am not sure you will need him but he will be there.
Listens:
337
Who:
GLaDOS
One: No portal surfaces.
Listens:
1014
Who:
Wheatley
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1601
Who:
Announcer
Hey, thanks so much!
Listens:
718
Who:
Defective Turret
[yelling]
Listens:
605
Who:
Wheatley
YES! I KNEW someone was alive in here!
Listens:
391
Who:
Wheatley
AHH!
Listens:
1339
Who:
GLaDOS
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2985
Who:
Announcer
Rgggh!
Listens:
549
Who:
Defective Turret
Go on. Get in.
Listens:
298
Who:
Wheatley
Well, it was nice catching up. Let's get to business.
Listens:
709
Who:
GLaDOS
Can I get some bullets here? Anybody got bullets?
Listens:
730
Who:
Defective Turret
GAAAA!
Listens:
1429
Who:
Wheatley
If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're sorely mistaken. Here's another cube.
Listens:
1166
Who:
GLaDOS
We should be getting close. Ohh, I can't wait to see the look on her face. No neurotoxin, no turrets--she'll never know what hit her!
Listens:
398
Who:
Wheatley
Hey!
Listens:
848
Who:
Turret
Do you have any idea how good this feels?
Listens:
566
Who:
Wheatley
Thank you for completing the testing courses. If you enjoyed your experience, you may now re-enter the testing course of your choice.
Listens:
922
Who:
Announcer
Credit where credit's due: you're both doing a great job of disappointing me.
Listens:
431
Who:
GLaDOS
Frequent mood swings.
Listens:
323
Who:
GLaDOS
This is a bridge-building exercise. The humans were miserable at this, mostly because you can't build bridges out of tears.
Listens:
517
Who:
GLaDOS
Time to watch the master.
Listens:
487
Who:
Defective Turret
Just stop it already.
Listens:
622
Who:
GLaDOS
Keep it up and your arm will get stuck like that.
Listens:
319
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent. The Enrichment Center reminds you that bold, persistent experimentation is the hallmark of good science.
Listens:
424
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh.
Listens:
368
Who:
Wheatley
What are you doing, are you just having a little five minutes to yourself? Fair enough. You've had a rough time. You've been asleep for who knows how long. You've got the massive brain damage. And you're having a little rest. But NOW. Get yourself up. And pick me up.
Listens:
1132
Who:
Wheatley
I trust you. You are my favorite cooperative testing subject.
Listens:
287
Who:
GLaDOS
Plug me in, plug me in!
Listens:
285
Who:
Wheatley
But that was worth it.
Listens:
607
Who:
GLaDOS
The Sun is 330,330 times larger than Earth.
Listens:
747
Who:
Core 3
Because this message is prerecorded, the Enrichment Center has no way of knowing if whatever government remains offers any sort of Cattle Tuberculosis Testing Credit for taxes.
Listens:
844
Who:
GLaDOS
Luckily I'm a bigger person than that. I'm happy to put this all behind us and get back to work. After all, we've got a lot to do, and only sixty more years to do it. More or less. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me.
Listens:
983
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
18570
Who:
Wheatley
Avoid defective defective turrets as they may still be active.
Listens:
888
Who:
Announcer
They'll probably throw you a party.
Listens:
425
Who:
GLaDOS
You are doing wonderfully.
Listens:
303
Who:
GLaDOS
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1384
Who:
Wheatley
Listen to me. We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far. But we're off the clock now. It's just us talking. Like regular people. And this is no joke - we are in deep trouble.
Listens:
891
Who:
GLaDOS
Really? Okay.
Listens:
1037
Who:
GLaDOS
What a nasty piece of work she was, honestly. Like a proper maniac.
Listens:
625
Who:
Wheatley
NO!
Listens:
688
Who:
GLaDOS
Searching
Listens:
847
Who:
Turret
Here's an interesting story. I almost got a job down here in Manufacturing. Guess who the foreman went with? Only an exact duplicate of himself. Nepotism. Ended up giving me the WORST job, tending to all the smelly humans.
Listens:
732
Who:
Wheatley
Response
Listens:
2771
Who:
Announcer
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1814
Who:
Wheatley
The best way to build confidence is to first recognize your insecurities.
Listens:
368
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4452
Who:
Core 3
Oo! I've got an idea!
Listens:
549
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
7148
Who:
GLaDOS
The floor. What's the floor doing? What's the floor up to? Do you know what? It's holding everything up. The floor is important, holding everything up.
Listens:
722
Who:
Wheatley
I forbid you to press it!
Listens:
628
Who:
Wheatley
[humming]
Listens:
1834
Who:
Core 1
Oh wait! I've got it I've got it I've got it! No, I haven't got it.
Listens:
311
Who:
Wheatley
And we're only seeing the top layer. It goes down for miles.
Listens:
311
Who:
Wheatley
Please note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it.
Listens:
1037
Who:
Announcer
Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody is going to have to repair it. No, it's okay, I'll do that too. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
Listens:
717
Who:
GLaDOS
Once testing starts, I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with you to a minimum. Luckily, we haven't started testing yet. This will be our only chance to talk.
Listens:
498
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3657
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh God! Oh, don't need to do that anymore. The jig is up, RUN!
Listens:
920
Who:
Wheatley
Did anything happen while I was out?
Listens:
397
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2173
Who:
Defective Turret
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2296
Who:
Core 1
Good news! I can use this equipment to shut down the neurotoxin system. It is, however, password protected. AH! Alarm bells! No. Don't worry. Not a problem for me.
Listens:
555
Who:
Wheatley
Stay still, please.
Listens:
605
Who:
Wheatley
Stop doing that! All you need to do is open the Vault door!
Listens:
383
Who:
GLaDOS
Ok... Here we go...
Listens:
323
Who:
Wheatley
The dual portal device should be around here somewhere. Once you find it, we can start testing. Just like old times.
Listens:
435
Who:
GLaDOS
How about a knife, then? You keep the gun, I'll use a knife.
Listens:
531
Who:
Core 2
Fears conflict.
Listens:
315
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent.
Listens:
312
Who:
GLaDOS
Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here in the hub?
Listens:
310
Who:
GLaDOS
Cryptic.
Listens:
400
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1396
Who:
Caroline
Ah!
Listens:
1650
Who:
Core 1
Is that camera is hooked into the lock?
Listens:
279
Who:
GLaDOS
Dang! All right, if anyone asks, I killed you.
Listens:
1247
Who:
Defective Turret
Lady.
Listens:
809
Who:
Core 1
While I should have left both of you trapped there forever, I do need you for something else.
Listens:
280
Who:
GLaDOS
Back again!
Listens:
964
Who:
Defective Turret
Kick him! Or punch him. You're the boss, dimples.
Listens:
825
Who:
Core 2
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
16974
Who:
Core 2
BLUE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal.
Listens:
343
Who:
GLaDOS
Go on. Just... March on through that hole.
Listens:
283
Who:
Wheatley
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
2022
Who:
Core 3
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2536
Who:
Core 3
We all agree you should stop.
Listens:
370
Who:
GLaDOS
This is not good.
Listens:
2095
Who:
Turret
Yeah, that's right. Little bullseye.
Listens:
402
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm sorry. The arrows seem to have rusted off. Good luck.
Listens:
632
Who:
GLaDOS
If I made these tests any easier, they wouldn't be tests.
Listens:
291
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
72747
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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