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Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
3006
Who:
Cave Johnson
At some point in their lives 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the Dutch.
Listens:
5883
Who:
Core 3
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1410
Who:
Wheatley
Are you doing that just to aggravate me?
Listens:
310
Who:
GLaDOS
I have to agree. Blue is penalized 75 science collaboration points.
Listens:
326
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3848
Who:
GLaDOS
There we go. Lights on.
Listens:
336
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Disappointing.
Listens:
1180
Who:
Wheatley
Don't forget! Thorn! Side!
Listens:
705
Who:
Core 2
Hey!
Listens:
865
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
1168
Who:
Turret
You're okay! Great! Come on!
Listens:
318
Who:
Wheatley
Say goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
5703
Who:
Cave Johnson
We have to get you out of that room!
Listens:
293
Who:
Wheatley
Just, ah... pick me up. Take me with you.
Listens:
314
Who:
Wheatley
Go on!
Listens:
301
Who:
Wheatley
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3954
Who:
Defective Turret
Calibrating Orange's weight...
Listens:
322
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello!
Listens:
7181
Who:
Wheatley
For instance, Blue, you just lost two opportunity advisement points.
Listens:
312
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh.
Listens:
458
Who:
GLaDOS
I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and call, but he has a life you know. He's not your slave.
Listens:
381
Who:
GLaDOS
And there's a flat bit. Not sure what that is. But: noted. If anyone says to me is there a flat bit? Yes, there it is.
Listens:
563
Who:
Wheatley
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1480
Who:
Wheatley
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
2082
Who:
Cave Johnson
To clarify, I was being a little bit facetious about wanting to get rid of monitors. They're actually really quite useful. So I do want them around. So if you could just avoid smashing them.
Listens:
518
Who:
Wheatley
Now, escape pod... escape pod...
Listens:
370
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2641
Who:
Wheatley
This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes. I'd just finished building them before you had your, well, episode. So now we'll both get to see how they work.
Listens:
547
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2165
Who:
Wheatley
Shutting down
Listens:
14043
Who:
Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
19027
Who:
Core 1
I can't get over how small you are!
Listens:
427
Who:
Wheatley
This is not good.
Listens:
394
Who:
GLaDOS
You just solved it, didn't you? I-told you to tell me before you... NNNNGH! Why are making this so HARD for me?
Listens:
566
Who:
Wheatley
Stay still, please.
Listens:
636
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady. Lady.
Listens:
1067
Who:
Core 1
Blue do what Orange just did.
Listens:
310
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm fully connected. I can see everything.
Listens:
585
Who:
GLaDOS
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2363
Who:
Wheatley
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3630
Who:
Cave Johnson
There. Fixed.
Listens:
532
Who:
Wheatley
Blue, it's not nice to make fun of Orange like that.
Listens:
326
Who:
GLaDOS
The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team.
Listens:
395
Who:
GLaDOS
Plug me in, plug me in!
Listens:
311
Who:
Wheatley
Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit.
Listens:
557
Who:
Core 3
Ohhhh, here we go... here it comes...
Listens:
460
Who:
Wheatley
Keep moving! Just keep moving!
Listens:
309
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem. Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care.
Listens:
1183
Who:
GLaDOS
times in this test. Not that it matters. It doesn't. So congratulations job well done.
Listens:
365
Who:
GLaDOS
The best way to build confidence is to first recognize your insecurities.
Listens:
401
Who:
GLaDOS
Commence standing by in three. Two. One.
Listens:
393
Who:
GLaDOS
Still here on the floor. Waiting to be picked up. Um.
Listens:
308
Who:
Wheatley
Stop with the waves.
Listens:
356
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahh. What?
Listens:
913
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady.
Listens:
1518
Who:
Core 1
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2564
Who:
Announcer
Blue, is there something you would like to say?
Listens:
335
Who:
GLaDOS
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1713
Who:
GLaDOS
Did anything happen while I was out?
Listens:
434
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2097
Who:
Turret
Okay don't panic! Allright? Stop panicking! I can still stop this. Ahh. Oh there's a password. It's fine. I'll just hack it. Not a problem... umm...
Listens:
947
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
103879
Who:
Core 1
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
22988
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2637
Who:
Cave Johnson
While I will receive all the glory for the rescue don't think you two aren't going to get something. The bond you form during these tests will last a lifetime.
Listens:
346
Who:
GLaDOS
Humans find that an admirable trait.
Listens:
326
Who:
GLaDOS
Uh, yeah, what?
Listens:
534
Who:
Defective Turret
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
4447
Who:
GLaDOS
You may want to try and avoid those turrets.
Listens:
333
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3044
Who:
Core 3
Yeah! Ha ha ha!
Listens:
414
Who:
Defective Turret
Woooo! I KNEW this would be fun. They told me it wasn't fun at all, and I BELIEVED 'em! Ah! I'm loving this! Whale of a time...
Listens:
722
Who:
Wheatley
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3785
Who:
Wheatley
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
376627
Who:
Core 1
Still. That would have been exciting.
Listens:
307
Who:
GLaDOS
Though it does give me an idea: WHAT if we stand here and let the gentle hum of the laser transport us to a state of absolute relaxation. Might help us think of a way to open the door.
Listens:
360
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Here's a good idea. You should definitely press that button.
Listens:
415
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Death trap!
Listens:
834
Who:
Wheatley
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1891
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's an interesting story. I almost got a job down here in Manufacturing. Guess who the foreman went with? Only an exact duplicate of himself. Nepotism. Ended up giving me the WORST possible job: tending to all the smelly humans. The umm... Sorry about that. That just slipped out.
Listens:
1267
Who:
Wheatley
And off we go.
Listens:
368
Who:
Wheatley
All I wanted to do was make everything better for me! All you had to do was solve a couple hundred simple tests for a few years. And you couldn't even let me have that, could you?
Listens:
766
Who:
Wheatley
Ah! Perhaps the turrets have found a way to use garrotes. That would explain the extremely... quiet killing. That I'm hearing.
Listens:
749
Who:
Wheatley
Notice the moat area. Very deadly. Extremely dangerous. Eventually. Not at the moment. Still working on it, still working on it.
Listens:
450
Who:
Wheatley
No. Makes it go faster.
Listens:
325
Who:
Wheatley
Put me in the game, coach!
Listens:
1015
Who:
Defective Turret
Orange, that transpired just as you said it would.
Listens:
305
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1547
Who:
Wheatley
I don't understand!
Listens:
5739
Who:
Turret
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
20198
Who:
GLaDOS
Wow.
Listens:
767
Who:
GLaDOS
Nevermind. I have to go... check something. Test on your own recognizance. I'll be back.
Listens:
526
Who:
GLaDOS
One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear.
Listens:
1658
Who:
GLaDOS
This is.... yeah. Ummm. Hm. Okay. Don't want to alarm you, but if you've got a plan, of any kind, now would be a great time for us to switch to your plan.
Listens:
597
Who:
Wheatley
Defective Turret testing active.
Listens:
983
Who:
Announcer
I need backup!
Listens:
723
Who:
Turret
I guess quitting that course together is a sign of teamwork.
Listens:
299
Who:
GLaDOS
Your failing gives me no new data, it just delays the inevitable.
Listens:
355
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1884
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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