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You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1411
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2612
Who:
Core 1
OW.
Listens:
797
Who:
Wheatley
I have noticed you two have become extremely close. I'm not sure I like that.
Listens:
322
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
4396
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes it is! We can use it to get out of here!
Listens:
315
Who:
GLaDOS
We need to find the power station at the end of this course. The humans must have accidentally disconnected it from my grid. I am sure it was just a clerical error.
Listens:
691
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, what? How stupid does she think we are?
Listens:
450
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, you've already solved it.
Listens:
649
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2842
Who:
GLaDOS
And there's a flat bit. Not sure what that is. But: noted. If anyone says to me is there a flat bit? Yes, there it is.
Listens:
558
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of advice: If you meet yourself on the testing track, don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward! So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go about his business.
Listens:
7524
Who:
Cave Johnson
I believe the ratio of good test subjects to monsters is about... a million to 1.
Listens:
832
Who:
GLaDOS
Would you mind putting your back towards me? So I can see only your back. And not your face.
Listens:
311
Who:
Wheatley
What'd I hit?
Listens:
399
Who:
Defective Turret
Fine! No, absolutely fine. It's not like I don't have, you know, ten thousand other test subjects begging me to help them escape. You know, it's not like this place is about to EXPLODE.
Listens:
695
Who:
Wheatley
The value of Pi is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter in Euclidean space.
Listens:
806
Who:
Core 3
I tell you, if I was up against impossible odds, this is the way I'd want to go out: mashed with dignity. That'd be the way I'd choose.
Listens:
374
Who:
Wheatley
Quick word about the future plans that I've got in store.
Listens:
287
Who:
Wheatley
The Schrodinger's cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead. Schrodinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.
Listens:
9043
Who:
Core 3
Oh wait! I've got it I've got it I've got it! No, I haven't got it.
Listens:
325
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah! Still not working.
Listens:
748
Who:
Defective Turret
There she is...
Listens:
378
Who:
Wheatley
Passive-aggressive.
Listens:
460
Who:
GLaDOS
So go ahead and jump. What's the worst that could happen? Oh. Oh wait, I just now thought of the worst thing. Oh! I just thought of something even worse. Alright. New, better plan: no imagining of any potential outcomes whatsoever. Just jump, into the abyss, there, and let's see what happens.
Listens:
621
Who:
Wheatley
Blue, you are the most advanced model of robot Aperture Science has ever discontinued.
Listens:
453
Who:
GLaDOS
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1619
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1792
Who:
GLaDOS
Keep it up and your arm will get stuck like that.
Listens:
328
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes? Something you need?
Listens:
450
Who:
GLaDOS
Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?
Listens:
315
Who:
GLaDOS
Ah! There you are. Great. Let me just get rid of this catwalk.
Listens:
407
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2950
Who:
Wheatley
In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one.
Listens:
703
Who:
GLaDOS
Maybe you two have never met humans? They are as bad as you might think, smelly, gross, annoying, often wanting to try and kill you. But they do make great test subjects.
Listens:
628
Who:
GLaDOS
Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
603
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
51924
Who:
Core 1
Destroying them is part of the test. They are no more important to you than you are to me.
Listens:
427
Who:
GLaDOS
He's found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... em, just something I came up with to phase out human test subjects.
Listens:
383
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, it's alright. Go ahead.
Listens:
318
Who:
Wheatley
This body is amazing, seriously!
Listens:
344
Who:
Wheatley
Open the door!
Listens:
420
Who:
Wheatley
'Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down.' Man, that sounded a whole lot better in my head.
Listens:
1012
Who:
Core 2
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
2110
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
34802
Who:
Wheatley
You're going to hurt yourself doing that and then I will be ECSTATIC.
Listens:
866
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
101280
Who:
Defective Turret
Well done. In the event that oxygen is no longer available in the Enrichment Center, an auxiliary air supply will be provided to you by an Aperture Science Test Associate, if one exists.
Listens:
678
Who:
GLaDOS
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2304
Who:
Announcer
Facial grimacing.
Listens:
307
Who:
GLaDOS
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
4161
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
1359
Who:
Turret
Go on. Get in.
Listens:
332
Who:
Wheatley
Your vitals remain well within testing norms, so there is no need to worry about sudden death from collaborative shock syndrome.
Listens:
423
Who:
GLaDOS
You're just delaying the inevitable. You cannot run from my bombs forever. Well, you can if I keep aiming them poorly. But I'll get better as we go, and you'll just get tired.
Listens:
901
Who:
Wheatley
This was another test no one had ever completed before you two. Oh, the science we used to learn with this test. Now the test is useless.
Listens:
353
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello!
Listens:
2829
Who:
Wheatley
Still, if it were, Blue would be winning.
Listens:
617
Who:
GLaDOS
Roman toothpaste was made with human urine. Urine as an ingredient in toothpaste continued to be used up until the 18th century.
Listens:
906
Who:
Core 3
Heh heh heh heh heh...
Listens:
1151
Who:
GLaDOS
four
Listens:
560
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhh...
Listens:
680
Who:
Wheatley
You both need to do something.
Listens:
299
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
110537
Who:
GLaDOS
Please go to space.
Listens:
1023
Who:
Core 1
Congratulations. You're upside down now.
Listens:
682
Who:
GLaDOS
Sleep mode activated
Listens:
6435
Who:
Turret
That's why humans couldn't complete these courses, they treat their friends as enemies.
Listens:
378
Who:
GLaDOS
Press the button!
Listens:
1398
Who:
GLaDOS
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3748
Who:
GLaDOS
There it is.
Listens:
426
Who:
GLaDOS
Before re-entering a relaxation vault at the conclusion of testing, please take a moment to write down the results of your test. An Aperture Science Reintegration Associate will revive you for an interview when society has been rebuilt.
Listens:
1213
Who:
Announcer
Ha! Missed me that time. Ohhh, you were solving-nevermind, carry on. My fault.
Listens:
488
Who:
Wheatley
Ahh. What?
Listens:
909
Who:
Wheatley
Dang.
Listens:
660
Who:
Defective Turret
It shouldn't be hard to stay alive long enough to find him.
Listens:
310
Who:
GLaDOS
Maybe you ARE getting human emotions.
Listens:
334
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah! Let's do this!
Listens:
649
Who:
Defective Turret
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
35726
Who:
Core 1
Warmer. Warrrrmer. Boiling hot. Boiling--okay, colder. Ice cold. Arctic. Very very very cold LOOK JUST GET ON THE BUTTON!
Listens:
738
Who:
Wheatley
Don't do it.
Listens:
696
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
33573
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1398
Who:
Wheatley
Doesn't bother me. I gotta say, the view's mighty nice from right here.
Listens:
528
Who:
Core 2
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3596
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm done.
Listens:
1331
Who:
GLaDOS
I see you
Listens:
2932
Who:
Turret
AH! Oh. My. God. You look terribl-- ummm... good. Looking good, actually.
Listens:
7027
Who:
Wheatley
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1469
Who:
Core 3
I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out!
Listens:
453
Who:
Wheatley
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2534
Who:
Turret
Ha ha ha ha ha. Did I tell you the one about the turned-off reassembly machine?
Listens:
489
Who:
GLaDOS
Where'd you go? Come back! Come back!
Listens:
678
Who:
Wheatley
This time...
Listens:
590
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1506
Who:
Wheatley
Of course the humans only had one try at it, you can just keep trying.
Listens:
335
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4435
Who:
Core 3
No, wait. Just kill it and we'll call things even between us. No hard feelings.
Listens:
794
Who:
GLaDOS
That's all I can say.
Listens:
1242
Who:
Turret
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1373
Who:
Defective Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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