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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Always weeping. Poor thing.
Listens:
525
Who:
GLaDOS
The body he's squatting in - MY body - has a built-in euphoric response to testing. Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a little... unbearable. Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it.
Listens:
780
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem. Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care.
Listens:
1183
Who:
GLaDOS
What's a guy gotta do to get some bullets around here?
Listens:
1067
Who:
Defective Turret
What?
Listens:
414
Who:
Wheatley
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3441
Who:
Defective Turret
Yeah! Let's do this!
Listens:
578
Who:
Defective Turret
Progress report: Haven't really made any in-roads!
Listens:
362
Who:
Wheatley
Still here on the floor. Waiting to be picked up. Um.
Listens:
308
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
22043
Who:
Wheatley
All right. I’m going to bring this farce to a close before someone sustains a serious Tic-Tac-Toe-Two-related injury.
Listens:
483
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me?
Listens:
873
Who:
Turret
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1625
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4893
Who:
GLaDOS
Very good! You found those useless blueprints.
Listens:
527
Who:
GLaDOS
The dual portal device should be around here somewhere. Once you find it, we can start testing. Just like old times.
Listens:
480
Who:
GLaDOS
Have I ever told you the qualities I love most in you? In order: Number one: resolving things, love the ways you resolve things. Particularly disputes. Number one, tied: Button-pushing. Two things I love about you: Button pushing and the ability to resolve things. Chiefly disputes.
Listens:
740
Who:
Wheatley
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
1131
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
3496
Who:
Turret
I can't hold on! Come on!
Listens:
321
Who:
Wheatley
Do either of you feel like laughing?
Listens:
1327
Who:
GLaDOS
Gah!
Listens:
435
Who:
Wheatley
Lady.
Listens:
1189
Who:
Core 1
The human vault is just past that opening. I entered the security code but the vault door remains locked. I am going to need you to activate the manual locks on the vault door itself.
Listens:
829
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! Death trap!
Listens:
834
Who:
Wheatley
Completing this course was not a reason to behave like that.
Listens:
347
Who:
GLaDOS
clickclickclick
Listens:
559
Who:
Defective Turret
Substitute core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1346
Who:
Announcer
This is.... yeah. Ummm. Hm. Okay. Don't want to alarm you, but if you've got a plan, of any kind, now would be a great time for us to switch to your plan.
Listens:
597
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2862
Who:
GLaDOS
See you soon!
Listens:
930
Who:
Turret
Template
Listens:
3222
Who:
Announcer
No A.I. can resist thinking about them.
Listens:
381
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey.
Listens:
810
Who:
Core 1
Has irritating opinions.
Listens:
318
Who:
GLaDOS
I think we're in trouble.
Listens:
386
Who:
GLaDOS
Ah, crap.
Listens:
1363
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2482
Who:
Defective Turret
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1476
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, I'm gonna lay my cards on the table: I don't wanna do it. I don't want to go in there. Don't... Don't go in there - She's off. She's off! Panic over! She's off. All fine! On we go.
Listens:
608
Who:
Wheatley
Orange do what Blue just did.
Listens:
301
Who:
GLaDOS
Every square inch of the human body has 32 million bacteria on it.
Listens:
632
Who:
Core 3
Keep moving! Just keep moving!
Listens:
309
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on, something's wrong! Neurotoxin level's up to 50%! No, it's down. Sorry, my mistake. I meant to say it's down to fifty percent. Good news! Carry on!
Listens:
573
Who:
Wheatley
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
18604
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm done.
Listens:
1339
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
28050
Who:
GLaDOS
It seems kind of silly to point this out, since you're running around plotting to destroy me. But I'd say we're done testing.
Listens:
510
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha ha, YES! I knew you'd solve it!
Listens:
347
Who:
Wheatley
Spinning thing. Hmmm. Not sure.
Listens:
304
Who:
Wheatley
The Tariff Act of 1789, established to protect domestic manufacture, was the second statute ever enacted by the United States government.
Listens:
717
Who:
Core 3
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
2102
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an idea, since making tests is difficult--why don't you just keep solving THIS test. Same one. And I can just... watch you solve it. Yes. That sounds much easier.
Listens:
872
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, I'm pulling you out.
Listens:
754
Who:
GLaDOS
The billionth digit of Pi is 9.
Listens:
1156
Who:
Core 3
I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and call, but he has a life you know. He's not your slave.
Listens:
381
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes!
Listens:
1163
Who:
GLaDOS
I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them.
Listens:
5523
Who:
GLaDOS
Ah, come on!
Listens:
465
Who:
Defective Turret
Wait. Just thought of something? How am I going to get in? You know, being bloody massive and everything.
Listens:
323
Who:
Wheatley
Who said that?
Listens:
583
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello?
Listens:
10628
Who:
Turret
If your confidence is still not high enough remember no one was created perfect.
Listens:
344
Who:
GLaDOS
We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now!
Listens:
396
Who:
Wheatley
Never listens.
Listens:
396
Who:
GLaDOS
Here, come and have a look out the window. It's good.
Listens:
318
Who:
Wheatley
Then, then, when I reluctantly assume the responsibility of running the place, you conveniently decide to run off together. Just when I need you most.
Listens:
472
Who:
Wheatley
No. Wait, did I do B? Do you have a pen? Start writing these down.
Listens:
472
Who:
Wheatley
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Wheatley
four
Listens:
564
Who:
GLaDOS
This is just a thought experiment, just to see how much time you'll waste thinking about these worthless documents. The correct time is zero seconds.
Listens:
535
Who:
GLaDOS
Done. I guess. I suppose. I wasn't paying attention.
Listens:
456
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1421
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on. Run back the other way! I'll turn the bridges back on!
Listens:
326
Who:
Wheatley
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1642
Who:
Core 3
Please ping a white portalable surface.
Listens:
303
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
114251
Who:
Core 2
Nevermind. I have to go... check something. Test on your own recognizance. I'll be back.
Listens:
526
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, I'd tell you if I were dead. Courtesy. Mark of a civil society. So, just let me know.
Listens:
448
Who:
Wheatley
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2688
Who:
Wheatley
We are now going to take a break from the collaboration for an instructional competition.
Listens:
334
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1872
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. Allright. I have an idea. But it is bloody dangerous. Here we go...
Listens:
553
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, BRILLIANT! That's brilliant!
Listens:
456
Who:
Wheatley
You will need him for the final track.
Listens:
306
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, you can turn around now!
Listens:
424
Who:
Wheatley
Designed this test myself. It's a little bit difficult.
Listens:
319
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want this!
Listens:
19521
Who:
Caroline
I’m shocked you’d say that, Blue. If you killed your partner the test—I’m sorry. Wrong feed. Carry on, Orange. Good work.
Listens:
1276
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1933
Who:
Announcer
And FOOLISH! No way out. At my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing.
Listens:
1085
Who:
Wheatley
We are only two tests away from reaching the humans, are you as excited as I am?
Listens:
291
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1372
Who:
Core 1
Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test? I'm sorry.
Listens:
790
Who:
GLaDOS
clickclickclick
Listens:
1140
Who:
Defective Turret
Even humans, as stupid as they are, would say you look stupid when you do that.
Listens:
643
Who:
GLaDOS
Uhoh
Listens:
977
Who:
Turret
That poster! Go look at it for a second, would you?
Listens:
693
Who:
GLaDOS
She probably deserved it.
Listens:
864
Who:
Turret
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
3059
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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