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Portal 2
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[computer gibberish]
Listens:
5456
Who:
GLaDOS
The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone involved screamed the entire way.
Listens:
979
Who:
Core 3
We are going to shut down her turret production line, turn off her neurotoxin, and then confront her.
Listens:
325
Who:
Wheatley
I don't hate you
Listens:
13252
Who:
Turret
clickclickclick
Listens:
737
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello again, this testing course was originally created for humans.
Listens:
1316
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
70467
Who:
Turret
Blue, you are very good at being an example.
Listens:
374
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! What can we do with me then. I know! Plug me into the port, please.
Listens:
320
Who:
Wheatley
She probably deserved it.
Listens:
868
Who:
Turret
Still running. Alright. Looks tiring. Tell you what - you stop running and I'll stop bombing you... That seems fair.
Listens:
545
Who:
Wheatley
You may as well have a little rest, actually, while I work on it.
Listens:
324
Who:
Wheatley
Anyway, we're really close to busting out. Just hang in there for - OW!
Listens:
378
Who:
Wheatley
Why?
Listens:
1124
Who:
Turret
Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant!
Listens:
392
Who:
Wheatley
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
315667
Who:
Announcer
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1589
Who:
Announcer
All right, your funeral. Your beautiful-lady-corpse open casket funeral.
Listens:
782
Who:
Core 2
Ahh!
Listens:
1464
Who:
Turret
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
193688
Who:
Wheatley
I thought of some good news. He's going to run out of test chambers eventually. I never stockpiled them.
Listens:
397
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
29397
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry to interject again, but if you do NOT push the button the deadly neurotoxin emitters will come back online, at which point she will most likely fill you to brimming with neurotoxin. Not trying to rush you. Just throwing that out for leisurely digestion in your own time.
Listens:
961
Who:
Wheatley
If Blue had said those things about me, Blue would never make it to the next reassembly station.
Listens:
345
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
377305
Who:
Core 1
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1475
Who:
Core 3
I don't want this!
Listens:
19594
Who:
Caroline
Do not press that button!
Listens:
553
Who:
Wheatley
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
215435
Who:
Core 1
Still, if it were, Orange would be winning.
Listens:
464
Who:
GLaDOS
How would you use it in a sentence? 'Mmm, this apple's crunchy,' you might say. And I'm not even asking you for the whole sentence. Just the word 'Apple'.
Listens:
935
Who:
Wheatley
You really don't need to keep failing.
Listens:
389
Who:
GLaDOS
You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified.
Listens:
1122
Who:
GLaDOS
Tadah! Only the turret control center. Thank you very much.
Listens:
421
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2748
Who:
Defective Turret
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2520
Who:
GLaDOS
If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head.
Listens:
481
Who:
GLaDOS
This ain't Marquis of Queensberry Rules, sweetie! Pour on the mustard!
Listens:
601
Who:
Core 2
Roman toothpaste was made with human urine. Urine as an ingredient in toothpaste continued to be used up until the 18th century.
Listens:
916
Who:
Core 3
It would be pointless for either of us to hurt Blue’s feelings. But it’s clear to everyone monitoring the test who’s carrying who here.
Listens:
578
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
1378
Who:
Turret
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2620
Who:
Cave Johnson
Would you like to know the results of that last test? Me too. If they existed, we'd all be VERY happy right now. And not furious, which is the emotion I'm actually feeling.
Listens:
712
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, how ya doin'?
Listens:
506
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
56385
Who:
GLaDOS
How is this even science, without the consequence of death?
Listens:
452
Who:
GLaDOS
You will be dead soon.
Listens:
900
Who:
Core 3
It DOES sound rude. I'm not going to lie to you. It DOES sound rude. It's not. Put me right on it. Stick me in.
Listens:
826
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome back quitters, maybe you can find another course for you to fail.
Listens:
615
Who:
GLaDOS
Agggh...
Listens:
503
Who:
Defective Turret
So, let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break, which should leave a leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all these fires. So anyway, that's the itinerary.
Listens:
858
Who:
Wheatley
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
24728
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
10650
Who:
Turret
To start preparing for human testing again, I checked an old suggestion box. The number one request? Less deadly tests.
Listens:
437
Who:
GLaDOS
While I do need you to be in the room so I can see them, I want to be clear. There is no reason whatsoever for you to look at them.
Listens:
312
Who:
GLaDOS
Plus, I put a lot of effort in getting this lair ready for you. It'd certainly teach me a lesson if you simply died, painlessly, twenty feet from the door. I'd be furious. I'd be like RRRRR. I got my just desserts. No more than I deserve. Why not teach me a lesson by jumping in the old masher?
Listens:
894
Who:
Wheatley
If you ARE there, would you mind... giving me a little bit of help? [nervous laugh] Just picking me up.
Listens:
471
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Sorry. Could have... sworn you said something.
Listens:
377
Who:
Wheatley
If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that in your memory banks?
Listens:
325
Who:
GLaDOS
Whoa!
Listens:
347
Who:
Wheatley
Plug me in, and I'll take you up.
Listens:
331
Who:
GLaDOS
According to Norse legend, thunder god Thor's chariot was pulled across the sky by two goats.
Listens:
830
Who:
Core 3
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
4458
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
54629
Who:
GLaDOS
One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear.
Listens:
1663
Who:
GLaDOS
Press the button again.
Listens:
1101
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1552
Who:
Announcer
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
48465
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. In the event that oxygen is no longer available in the Enrichment Center, an auxiliary air supply will be provided to you by an Aperture Science Test Associate, if one exists.
Listens:
701
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical! Hold on!
Listens:
1221
Who:
Wheatley
Whoa! Hey! Don't fall!
Listens:
316
Who:
Wheatley
I wonder if that dancing has some effect on you?
Listens:
526
Who:
GLaDOS
It says this next test was designed by one of Aperture's Nobel prize winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for Being Immune To Neurotoxin.
Listens:
1270
Who:
GLaDOS
Nobody cares, four eyes.
Listens:
1251
Who:
Core 2
Alright, let's get started. This first test involves something the lab boys call 'repulsion gel.'
Listens:
1239
Who:
Cave Johnson
Really? Okay.
Listens:
1067
Who:
GLaDOS
This place is self-destructing, you idiot!
Listens:
855
Who:
GLaDOS
Woooo! I KNEW this would be fun. They told me it wasn't fun at all, and I BELIEVED 'em! Ah! I'm loving this! Whale of a time...
Listens:
726
Who:
Wheatley
Illegal operation
Listens:
1203
Who:
Turret
This is the neurotoxin generator. Bit bigger than I expected. Not going to be able to just, you know, push it over. Have to apply some cleverness.
Listens:
942
Who:
Wheatley
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3948
Who:
Cave Johnson
Can I get some bullets here? Anybody got bullets?
Listens:
747
Who:
Defective Turret
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
4445
Who:
Cave Johnson
Frequent bouts of uncontrollable rage.
Listens:
343
Who:
GLaDOS
I can't believe you came back.
Listens:
539
Who:
GLaDOS
While teamwork is needed to complete these tests, I am not sure I trust the two of you together.
Listens:
301
Who:
GLaDOS
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2499
Who:
Core 3
I was confident you could finish.
Listens:
339
Who:
GLaDOS
Though it does give me an idea: WHAT if we stand here and let the gentle hum of the laser transport us to a state of absolute relaxation. Might help us think of a way to open the door.
Listens:
362
Who:
Wheatley
Are you scared to save those humans?
Listens:
296
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhhh, yes she is.
Listens:
432
Who:
Wheatley
Then, when he's no more use to you, he has a little accident. Doesn't he? 'Falls' off his management rail. Doesn't he?
Listens:
587
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
1139
Who:
Defective Turret
clickclickclick
Listens:
588
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm done.
Listens:
1342
Who:
GLaDOS
Fine, 500 point penalty for Blue.
Listens:
761
Who:
GLaDOS
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
4263
Who:
Announcer
Here she comes! Keep testing! Remember: you never saw me!
Listens:
302
Who:
Wheatley
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1634
Who:
Wheatley
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1578
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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