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See that scanner out there? It's deciding which turrets to keep and which to toss. And it's using that MASTER turret as a template! If we pull out the template turret, it'll shut down the whole production line.
Listens:
633
Who:
Wheatley
Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird.
Listens:
962
Who:
GLaDOS
What's going on in there?
Listens:
354
Who:
Wheatley
I thought we fixed that.
Listens:
1027
Who:
Defective Turret
Silently killing you. Probably. If I had to guess.
Listens:
540
Who:
Wheatley
Just get it off me...
Listens:
342
Who:
GLaDOS
You have no idea how tiring it is to praise someone for placing an edgeless safety cube into a receptacle designed to exactly fit an edgeless safety cube.
Listens:
640
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey hey! You made it!
Listens:
312
Who:
Wheatley
AH! I- Sorry, I just looked down. I do not recommend it.
Listens:
544
Who:
Wheatley
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
77872
Who:
GLaDOS
So. Was there anything you wanted to apologize to ME for?
Listens:
361
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1117
Who:
GLaDOS
After that...who knows? I might take up a hobby. Reanimating the dead, maybe.
Listens:
874
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
70709
Who:
GLaDOS
What are you...
Listens:
324
Who:
Wheatley
Crap!
Listens:
1076
Who:
Defective Turret
I think they wanted to punish them by not allowing me to include them in testing.
Listens:
328
Who:
GLaDOS
Did something break back there?
Listens:
652
Who:
Wheatley
Don't either you have drive to be better than the other?
Listens:
305
Who:
GLaDOS
I lied.
Listens:
796
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
73903
Who:
GLaDOS
Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to SPACE.
Listens:
1558
Who:
Core 1
You're no longer bothering me. You're only hurting my impression of you.
Listens:
453
Who:
GLaDOS
It's not like I've got hordes of replacement monitors just lying around back here in the old warehouse that I can just wheel out an bolt back on. I didn't order in loads of spare monitors thinking some crazy woman was going to go around smashing them all. Sorry if that's my fault. Sorry if I didn't have the forethought to think oh she might go crazy one day instead of just getting on with things. Sorry I didn't think of that.
Listens:
9076
Who:
Wheatley
You just beat this test. Literally twenty seconds ago.
Listens:
720
Who:
Wheatley
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
81147
Who:
Announcer
They're not even your screens to break. It's vandalism. It's pure vandalism. You wouldn't do this if this was your house, would you? If I came around to your house smashin' your telly to bits, you'd be furious. And rightly so. Unbelievable.
Listens:
980
Who:
Wheatley
You two aren't lost are you?
Listens:
340
Who:
GLaDOS
Wet blanket.
Listens:
345
Who:
GLaDOS
Had a brainwave. I'm going to tape you solving these, and then watch ten at once-get a more concentrated burst of science. Oh, on a related note: I'm going to need you to solve these ten times as fast.
Listens:
639
Who:
Wheatley
I'm afraid the door's locked. Just checked it. No way to hack it as far as I can tell. The mechanism must be on the -oh, now look at that. That's a big laser!
Listens:
490
Who:
Wheatley
Now you're just not thinking.
Listens:
422
Who:
GLaDOS
SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
6000
Who:
Wheatley
[laugh] Would you pick me up?
Listens:
671
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
Listens:
1076
Who:
Cave Johnson
There's no turret in it... Maybe the system stores a backup image?
Listens:
329
Who:
Wheatley
If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head.
Listens:
471
Who:
GLaDOS
Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
Listens:
1184
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
5112
Who:
Turret
Hostile to new ideas.
Listens:
348
Who:
GLaDOS
All right. I’m going to bring this farce to a close before someone sustains a serious Tic-Tac-Toe-Two-related injury.
Listens:
478
Who:
GLaDOS
Still. That would have been exciting.
Listens:
334
Who:
GLaDOS
Underestimates scope of work. They all do.
Listens:
331
Who:
GLaDOS
DO press it.
Listens:
355
Who:
GLaDOS
RUN! Come on! I'm closing the doors!
Listens:
389
Who:
Wheatley
I hardly think you're even trying with these gestures anymore.
Listens:
358
Who:
GLaDOS
You will never go into space.
Listens:
1067
Who:
Core 3
Yes, you. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.
Listens:
10035
Who:
Cave Johnson
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
11040
Who:
GLaDOS
Pff. Whatever.
Listens:
591
Who:
Core 2
Orange now has a Portal Device. Finally.
Listens:
457
Who:
GLaDOS
Quick word about the future plans that I've got in store.
Listens:
290
Who:
Wheatley
Oh good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test.
Listens:
852
Who:
GLaDOS
Hi there!
Listens:
509
Who:
Defective Turret
Pick--would you pick me up?
Listens:
311
Who:
Wheatley
You know what? Just get in the lift. We'll iron out the details as we go.
Listens:
341
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
5249
Who:
Core 1
Unlike us, humans need to be taught teamwork.
Listens:
323
Who:
GLaDOS
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3358
Who:
Cave Johnson
In 1879, Sandford Fleming first proposed the adoption of worldwide standardized time zones at the Royal Canadian Institute.
Listens:
651
Who:
Core 3
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1532
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, solve it!
Listens:
352
Who:
Wheatley
Lady.
Listens:
664
Who:
Core 1
Blue, is there something you would like to say?
Listens:
334
Who:
GLaDOS
Canvassing
Listens:
656
Who:
Turret
Fine, 500 point penalty for Blue.
Listens:
728
Who:
GLaDOS
The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Orange is too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One.
Listens:
421
Who:
GLaDOS
Turrets!
Listens:
437
Who:
Wheatley
You were right, Orange. Blue was dumb enough to fall for your trap.
Listens:
638
Who:
GLaDOS
Please note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it.
Listens:
1080
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
6277
Who:
Turret
While the submarine is vastly superior to the boat in every way, over 97% of people still use boats for aquatic transportation.
Listens:
852
Who:
Core 3
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3033
Who:
Core 3
We're not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there'll always be a limo waiting for you.
Listens:
1026
Who:
Cave Johnson
Over there is where they used to keep the old neurotoxin release button. BIG responsibility, the guy in charge of the neurotoxin release button. And guess who he WAS? He wasn't me. But I was his assistant, and I did a lot of his admin.
Listens:
802
Who:
Wheatley
As long as I don't listen to what I'm saying, I should be okay.
Listens:
336
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2748
Who:
Core 1
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2181
Who:
Wheatley
What'd I hit?
Listens:
400
Who:
Defective Turret
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2256
Who:
Defective Turret
Fantastic.
Listens:
926
Who:
Defective Turret
See that scanner out there? It's deciding which turrets to keep and which to toss. And it's using that MASTER turret as a template! If we pull out the template turret, it'll shut down the whole production line.
Listens:
450
Who:
Wheatley
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
462824
Who:
Core 1
While I will receive all the glory for the rescue don't think you two aren't going to get something. The bond you form during these tests will last a lifetime.
Listens:
345
Who:
GLaDOS
Old.
Listens:
369
Who:
GLaDOS
Good luck!
Listens:
384
Who:
Wheatley
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
18130
Who:
Core 3
Tell it to the bad guy. Maybe you'll make him so bored his brain'll explode.
Listens:
591
Who:
Core 2
While teamwork is needed to complete these tests, I am not sure I trust the two of you together.
Listens:
297
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, so it's not the most watertight plan to go confront an omnipotent power-mad A.I. with.
Listens:
457
Who:
GLaDOS
Heh heh heh heh...
Listens:
508
Who:
Defective Turret
Not so fast!
Listens:
596
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, you go first.
Listens:
376
Who:
GLaDOS
Never completes work.
Listens:
348
Who:
GLaDOS
Well... I'll be here during the whole next test.
Listens:
314
Who:
GLaDOS
Chews with mouth open.
Listens:
333
Who:
GLaDOS
clickclickclick
Listens:
1008
Who:
Defective Turret
Pop a portal on that wall behind me there, and I'll meet you on the other side of the room.
Listens:
336
Who:
Wheatley
Alright. So my paradox idea didn't work.
Listens:
536
Who:
GLaDOS
You are simply experiencing a rare reaction, in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have erased the ear tubes inside your head.
Listens:
460
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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