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Portal 2
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Why should I be kept informed about the life functions of the ten thousand bloody test subjects I'm supposed to be in charge of?
Listens:
417
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem. Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care.
Listens:
1119
Who:
GLaDOS
There we go. Lift called.
Listens:
285
Who:
Wheatley
I AM NOT! A MORON!
Listens:
7545
Who:
Wheatley
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1617
Who:
Turret
Good!
Listens:
10592
Who:
Announcer
Of course the humans only had one try at it, you can just keep trying.
Listens:
273
Who:
GLaDOS
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3237
Who:
GLaDOS
Something is wrong, this door should be opening.
Listens:
383
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, stop moving.
Listens:
414
Who:
Wheatley
Kick him! Or punch him. You're the boss, dimples.
Listens:
801
Who:
Core 2
Hey! How's it going! I talked my way onto the nanobot work crew rebuilding this shaft. They are REALLY small, so -ah - I KNOW, Jerry. No, I'm on BREAK, mate. On a break.
Listens:
596
Who:
Wheatley
Yes.
Listens:
589
Who:
GLaDOS
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1973
Who:
Announcer
Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking.
Listens:
524
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
4214
Who:
Announcer
I never expected you to make it this far. To be honest, after your performance in the calibration test I was ready to break down your cores and put them back in the scientific calculators I took them from.
Listens:
590
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact, we're headed to your surprise right now. After all these years. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.
Listens:
654
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a pleasure!
Listens:
431
Who:
Defective Turret
You know, there are test subjects in Africa who don't even have monitors in their test chambers. Why don't you think of that before you break any more of them?
Listens:
1045
Who:
Wheatley
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2275
Who:
Defective Turret
Okay! Keep your eye on the turret line, I'm gonna go and hack the door open.
Listens:
299
Who:
Wheatley
I was confident you could finish.
Listens:
286
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright, what have we got?
Listens:
268
Who:
Wheatley
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2285
Who:
Announcer
This should take us right to her. I can't believe I'm finally doing this!
Listens:
269
Who:
Wheatley
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2154
Who:
Core 2
Excellent. I think you have earned a break from the official testing courses.
Listens:
352
Who:
GLaDOS
Whatever he does, it isn't important enough for anyone to bother writing it down. For all I know, he doesn't even work here.
Listens:
507
Who:
GLaDOS
Go on, just turn right around. So you're not looking at me.
Listens:
284
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh! Are you having a laugh?
Listens:
972
Who:
Wheatley
You're the type of show-off who only shows off really stupid things.
Listens:
491
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, now you're just being cruel. Blue receives 25 science collaboration points.
Listens:
357
Who:
GLaDOS
Woooaaah!
Listens:
1179
Who:
Turret
Press the button again.
Listens:
1045
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, we just need you to release the humans from their imprisonment.
Listens:
276
Who:
GLaDOS
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3291
Who:
Wheatley
Stop failing, you need to find the vault door.
Listens:
326
Who:
GLaDOS
Never flushes.
Listens:
282
Who:
GLaDOS
It's eating me.
Listens:
543
Who:
GLaDOS
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1787
Who:
Core 3
Silently killing you. Probably. If I had to guess.
Listens:
505
Who:
Wheatley
Try to jump across.
Listens:
279
Who:
Wheatley
So: there's PLENTY of time to recover. Just take it slow.
Listens:
279
Who:
Wheatley
Owwww!
Listens:
926
Who:
Turret
Blue receives
Listens:
318
Who:
GLaDOS
I would say extremely deadly but we all know, for you and your amazing ability to be reassembled nothing is deadly.
Listens:
313
Who:
GLaDOS
Um.
Listens:
465
Who:
Defective Turret
Yes, you 'solved' it, but I'm wondering if there are a number of ways to solve them and you're picking all the worst ways.
Listens:
425
Who:
Wheatley
Shutting down
Listens:
13617
Who:
Turret
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2423
Who:
Turret
Arsonist.
Listens:
313
Who:
GLaDOS
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
18582
Who:
Cave Johnson
Look for a switch that says ESCAPE POD. Alright? Don't touch ANYTHING else.
Listens:
456
Who:
Wheatley
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
1946
Who:
GLaDOS
Follow me! You're gonna love this.
Listens:
372
Who:
Wheatley
Aggggh!
Listens:
320
Who:
Wheatley
There you are, reassembled again.
Listens:
278
Who:
GLaDOS
You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Listens:
793
Who:
Core 3
Well. Have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world.
Listens:
631
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh] Our handiwork. Shouldn't laugh. They do feel pain. Of a sort. All simulated. But real enough for them I suppose.
Listens:
686
Who:
Wheatley
It worked!
Listens:
277
Who:
Wheatley
I trust you. You are my favorite cooperative testing subject.
Listens:
272
Who:
GLaDOS
So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death trap and more a death option for you.
Listens:
802
Who:
Wheatley
I’m sorry, Subject Blue.
Listens:
412
Who:
GLaDOS
Do not do it!
Listens:
403
Who:
Wheatley
I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die.
Listens:
424
Who:
GLaDOS
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
4387
Who:
Defective Turret
Do you know who dances around like an imbecile when they accomplish the tiniest little thing?
Listens:
532
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait. Careful. Let me light this jump for you
Listens:
300
Who:
Wheatley
But it's not too late to avoid all of that by simply not using the gel. There you go, I said it. I gave away my plan. But I couldn't watch you hurt yourself like this.
Listens:
351
Who:
Wheatley
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2687
Who:
Core 1
The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team.
Listens:
359
Who:
GLaDOS
Live turret line is active. Enter room with extreme caution.
Listens:
871
Who:
Announcer
While I do need you to be in the room so I can see them, I want to be clear. There is no reason whatsoever for you to look at them.
Listens:
271
Who:
GLaDOS
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1332
Who:
GLaDOS
Before you leave, why don't we do one more test? For old time's sake...
Listens:
351
Who:
GLaDOS
Three: Bomb-proof shields for me. Leading directly into number Four: Bombs. For throwing at you.
Listens:
912
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1793
Who:
Wheatley
Awwww
Listens:
3040
Who:
Turret
...What are you doing?...
Listens:
1240
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2238
Who:
GLaDOS
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Listens:
6252
Who:
GLaDOS
You'll never believe what happened! There I was, just lying there, you thought I was done for, but --
Listens:
378
Who:
Wheatley
I think they wanted to punish them by not allowing me to include them in testing.
Listens:
289
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2262
Who:
Core 2
Well done. In the event that oxygen is no longer available in the Enrichment Center, an auxiliary air supply will be provided to you by an Aperture Science Test Associate, if one exists.
Listens:
610
Who:
GLaDOS
Even humans, as stupid as they are, would say you look stupid when you do that.
Listens:
598
Who:
GLaDOS
Can you see it anywhere? I can't see it anywhere. Uh. Tell you what, plug me in and I'll turn the lights on.
Listens:
351
Who:
Wheatley
All right. I’m going to bring this farce to a close before someone sustains a serious Tic-Tac-Toe-Two-related injury.
Listens:
444
Who:
GLaDOS
This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare at the art. [BUZZER]
Listens:
11470
Who:
Announcer
Absolutely no improvement.
Listens:
798
Who:
Defective Turret
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1605
Who:
Cave Johnson
While it may appear that I am only tracking your accomplishments using science collaboration points, the truth is every aspect of your performance will be reflected in your final score.
Listens:
339
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll give you a hint. Button. That's all I'm gonna say. One word. Button.
Listens:
418
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I've decided not to kill you. IF you come back.
Listens:
766
Who:
Wheatley
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2111
Who:
Announcer
Whoa! Hey! Don't fall!
Listens:
289
Who:
Wheatley
Very good! You found those useless blueprints.
Listens:
453
Who:
GLaDOS
What happened? What, what, what have you put onto me? What is that?
Listens:
490
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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